Last night I had major “mom guilt.” We’ve been really laid back about letting our kids stay up late this summer and now they are totally out of their routine.
I’ve been dealing with mom guilt since I became a mom.
After my son was born, I felt guilty when he wouldn’t nap and I had to let him cry it out for a few minutes just so I could take a break.
Of course I felt even more guilt when I switched to formula feeding at 5 months because it was too much. At every feeding I was pumping, then feeding him through a bottle, and then had to wash the pump parts. I should have earned a metal for all of the effort. Instead I allowed myself to feel bad about giving up.
I felt guilty when I let him sleep in the swing for the first 4 or 5 months of his life. Even though that was the only way to get him to sleep.
When my 2nd son was born, I felt guilty for not even trying breastfeeding.
Because of all the challenges I had with my first, we decided to go straight to formula. Even though this was what was right for our family, I felt guilty for not trying to breastfeed. I also felt guilty for not giving my oldest enough attention and having to split my time and energy between them.
Lately, I feel guilty when I allow my kids too much screen time and when I let them have too much sugar. No matter how hard I try as a mom, there’s always something making me feel like I’m not doing enough.
I’m sure there are many other reasons I’ve felt “mom guilt.” It would be impossible not to.
An article on Huffpost by Taylor Pittman, 5 Ways to Cope When Mom Guilt is Getting The Best of You, quoted tennis star Serena Williams’ post on Instagram about how she felt guilty for not spending enough time with her daughter. She’s a famous athlete, and no doubt she has had to sacrifice a lot of family time to get there. Yet she hasn’t missed a day of spending time with her. Her post had over 3000 responses last year of other moms saying that they’d also missed their kids’ important milestones and had experienced feelings of guilt.
Pittman also writes that the best way to deal with mom guilt and these feelings of inferiority is to stop comparing yourself to Hollywood’s take on the perfect mom. Carol Brady doesn’t exist and we have to stop trying to be someone who isn’t even real!
Here are 3 questions to ask yourself when you feel guilty:
1). Am I providing my kids their basic needs? If you are giving them food, drink, shelter, and love then you are doing a good job as a mom and you don’t need to feel guilty.
2). What do I need right now? It’s so easy to focus on what your kids need and forget that you as a mom have needs too. Sometimes the feeling that you can’t measure up is a result of burn out. What you may need is to take a few minutes to fill your own cup.
3). If one of my friends was feeling guilty about this would I tell her not to? If the answer is yes, why are you holding yourself to higher standards? I’m not saying you shouldn’t strive to be better. But you have to cut yourself a break when things don’t always go as planned.
What do you struggle with feeling guilty about most as a mom? Have you found anything that helps you get past it?
Although all my 3 daughters are grown, I can certainly relate to this story. I do regret some moments which I would have taken back… like coming home after travelling for a week for work and it was late, around 11:00 p.m. and when I opened the door, there they were… still up, not in bed and with school the next day? What was the first thing I did? I scolded them for ‘Why are you not in bed!’ And immediately I felt so guilty, they looked at me with their sad eyes and said, “But Mommy, we miss you and look… we cleaned the whole house for you!” Although I couldn’t take back what I said, from that moment on, I tried my best to see ‘life through their eyes’ the next time I went travelling. Thank you again.
I know what you mean. It’s so easy to say things and then regret them later, but at least you were able to learn from that experience and try to be better. Thanks for sharing your experience!
I implemented rules that are used by moms in Scandinavia, and lots has changed since them. I am happy, and so is my daughter.
That’s great! I will check that out. I’ve heard that people are generally happier there, so that’s a great idea!
As I mom I deal with this on a regular basis. Thank you for showing that I’m not the only one!
You’re definitely not alone! I’m glad I could help you see that!
I definitely struggle with mom guilt, but it’s getting better. I just know that if my child is healthy, cared for, and thriving, he’s okay! We’re too hard on ourselves. I’ve learned to let some things go which lessens the guilt in the end.
Yes we are too hard on ourselves for sure! I’m glad you are learning to let some of it go. That’s so hard to do!
I am not a mother yet but I do observe the relationship between my brother and his children. He’s the disciplinarian in their household but the kids are still tender towards him at the end of the day. He goes by the rule of “For every scold, they get 5 ‘I love yous’ “.
I like that! I definitely agree with the idea of following any negative parenting response with excessive positivity. We can all use more positive interactions in our lives!
I completely relate with this. Mom guilt can be so consuming. But I suppose that the guilt is a part of being a good mom. This is a fantastic and very helpful post. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you! I’m glad it was helpful! That’s a great way to look at it!
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You don’t know how bad I needed to read this article!!
I’m sorry that you’re struggling with this but glad you found my article! Mom guilt is no joke!
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