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Navigating the Holidays: A Guide To Help Moms Experience The Holidays With Joy

/ Mom Life Counseling, LLC / Leave a comment

I cannot believe that it’s already December and it’s almost 2024. If reading that sentence caused your heart to skip a beat, then you aren’t alone. I’ve been avoiding putting up our Christmas countdown for this very reason.

If you’re like me, you may be frantically trying to figure out the perfect gift for your kids that doesn’t break the bank but also doesn’t include seven hundred tiny pieces. Or maybe you’re trying to plan a delicious meal for your family that won’t require you to spend all day cooking. I’m sure some of you are out searching for the ugliest Christmas sweater for your neighborhood holiday party. Or maybe you’re trying to find your boss the right gift that says you think they’re cool without being too much of a suck up.

Perhaps you’re dreading the holidays because you just survived spending all day with your family on Thanksgiving. Now you have to gear up to spend MORE time with your in-laws who never stop giving you unsolicited parenting advice. You might also be dreading the holidays because you’re missing someone you love that has either passed away or you’re no longer speaking to. If any of these are you, read on for my top 5 tips to help you manage holiday stress so that you can feel the joy of the season.

5 Tips To Help Manage Holiday Stress

  1. Set Realistic Expectations:
    • Decide now what is most important to you about the holidays. Whenever you start to feel stressed, remember the reason you are celebrating. Anything that isn’t 100% necessary and doesn’t fall in line with your values is not required of you to do.
    • Embrace imperfection. It’s ok if your Christmas tree isn’t decorated like the ones you see posted on Instagram. Your kids will remember the memories you make together, not whether or not your decorations are picture perfect.
  2. Practice Regular Self-Care
    • Scheduling self-care is always a must for moms but during already stressful times it’s even more important.
    • Try to take at least 20 minutes each week (daily if you can) to do something that brings you joy. Go for a walk, listen to a meditation exercise, sit by the fire with a hot cup of tea and snuggle up under a blanket, or watch a hallmark Christmas movie. Whatever it is that makes you feel rejuvenated and makes you happy, do more of that.
    • Need help coming up ideas for self-care? Check out this blog post where I asked 10 different moms what self-care means to them: What Self-Care Means To Moms
  3. Say “No” and Set Boundaries:
    • Saying no and setting healthy boundaries can go a really long way. This can help you make sure that you’re only spending your energy on what you really want to be doing.
    • You don’t have to RSVP yes to every holiday party that you get invited to. It’s also ok to say no when your child’s school asks you at the last minute to collect money for the class teacher gift.
  4. Practice Gratitude:
    • Show your family what the true spirit of the holiday season is all about by modeling gratitude.
    • Ending each day by writing down something you’re grateful for helps to shift your focus from whatever is stressing you out to something more positive.
  5. Delegate Tasks:
    • It’s okay to ask for help. If you have a big holiday party coming up, don’t be afraid to ask friends to bring an app or dessert to share. Hire house cleaners to come beforehand if you can afford it. Print off address labels for your holiday cards rather than hand writing them all. You can even have your laundry picked up, cleaned, folded and delivered back to your door using a company like Tumble and Dry.
    • Moms think they have to be able to do it all. This is never realistic and only hurts you. Most of the time your family and friends probably want to help. But they won’t know you need it if you don’t ask them though.

Sometimes the stress of the holidays can become too much and you might need to seek the help of a professional. We can help you manage your holiday stress and anxiety. Contact Patrice for a free 10 minute phone consultation!

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The Secret To Raising Little Boys

/ Mom Life Counseling, LLC / 9 Comments

What’s the secret to raising little boys?

Well it’s not rocket science. It’s not even really anything that profound.

It may be something you’ve already heard before.

Have you ever felt like you had to ask your child 10 times to brush their teeth before you could leave the house?

If you’re a boy mom, 28 may be a much more realistic number.

Until last week, I thought it was because my kids were annoyed by the sound of my voice and they must have been tuning me out.

I’ve considered whether their ears are super sensitive like dogs. Maybe when I ask them to do something important my voice is a super high frequency like a whistle would sound to a dog?

Or maybe they just like the sound of my voice so much, that they want to hear me say things over and over again?

I recently learned that’s not the case at all.

I heard a parenting talk by David Thomas, author of the books Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys (Tyndale House Publishers) and Are My Kids on Track? The 12 Emotional, Social & Spiritual Milestones Your Child Needs to Reach.

Thomas spoke about the different developmental milestones that children reach at each age. The main point that I took away from it was that 5-8 year old boys are mostly visual learners!

Back To The Basics

I wish I had heard this tip about raising little boys sooner. Even after two years of graduate school and multiple classes on child development, I didn’t realize how differently they learn.

So many meltdowns and power struggles could have been avoided in our house!

I probably did hear this back in Child Development 101. But sometimes you have to live it before it really sinks in.

What really made sense to me was when Thomas pointed out that if your child isn’t doing what you want them to do, it’s really your fault as their parent. It’s your fault because you haven’t set up their environment for success.

It may not seem like it sometimes, but kids actually want to make us happy. They truly want to be good.

So it would make sense that sometimes when they aren’t doing what we want them to, it’s because we have made it too hard for them.

Instead of engaging in power struggles with your kids about why they haven’t done what you asked them to do a hundred times already, make it easy for them to remember.

Boys have a larger part of their brains dedicated to spatial and mechanical functioning than girls do. This is why boys need to be able to visualize things in order to learn them.

Now it makes sense to me why when my husband was starting up his business, he had had little sticky notes all over the wall in our office. Each one had a different task that he wanted to focus on in order to be successful.

Set Them Up For Success

As parents, we can help set our children up for success by using visual cues and reminders around the house.

For example, you could put up a sign with a list of the 3 things your son needs to do in the bathroom before getting ready for school. Make sure to keep it simple.

You could use a small sign that says Flush, Wash, Brush.

A simple list of what steps are needed to get ready in the morning in your child’s bedroom can go a long way! For younger kids, you could use pictures of what the steps are.

Post a schedule near your child’s virtual learning space and make sure it’s visible all day. Here are a few other tips on setting up your child’s virtual learning space.

If you walk through your child’s elementary school, chances are you will see lots of bright and cheery pictures. In their classroom, you’ll probably see lists of expectations and schedules all over the walls.

That’s not just a coincidence!

It also makes sense now why the watch my son got for his 6th birthday was one of his favorite gifts. He didn’t take it off even at night!

It was pretty nice to tell him to check his watch when he asked what time it was every 5 minutes. But now I see why it meant so much to him!

Think Before You Speak

We can use this principle to help us be more proactive.

Instead of always saying things like “stop, no, don’t, quit,” we can show our children what we want them to do. You can easily do this by removing the things from their environments that you don’t want your child doing.

During virtual learning, make sure the only things that are in the learning space are school materials.

The secret to parenting little boys

Of course, this isn’t always realistic or possible to do. But I’m sure you can help by reducing at least some of the distractions.

Following this parenting tip doesn’t mean we shouldn’t set high expectations for our kids. It is a good reminder for why yelling doesn’t get you as far though.

I’m definitely excited to try it and hopefully save my breath a little!

If you enjoyed reading this, I’d love for you to share it with others who you think might need this tip for parenting boys too!

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When Life Throws You Lemons, It’s Ok To Not Make The Lemonade

/ Mom Life Counseling, LLC / 6 Comments

You know that saying, “When life throws you lemons, you make lemonade?” Recently, I felt like I’d had a bucket of lemons thrown at me and this time I did’t want to be Positive Patty about my situation.

It wasn’t working overtime 3 weekends in a row in April that killed me. It wasn’t even the fact that my husband traveled 3 out of 4 weeks in May that set me over the edge.

I survived the 1st grade field trip to the Puppetry Arts Center; kudos to the teachers that take care of my kids every day. I met with both of my kids’ teachers to hear about their progress this year and helped plan the 1st grade end of the year party.

I attended the pre-k party and two awards ceremonies. Plus I toted my kids to swim practice for an hour and 45 minutes after school every day the last two weeks of school.

Then I even made dinner, put them to bed, did the dishes and laundry. All the while by myself as my husband was out of town. 

The first day of summer break started with my kids waking up at 5 a.m. and fighting non-stop.

I soon started to question my decision to go back to being a stay-at-home mom for the summer.

Then we spent the entire weekend at the pool. We got to catch up with friends and get some natural vitamin D. My son and I both were even doing back dives off the diving board.

Things were looking up.

The next day was the first “official day of Summer” (the day after Memorial Day) and my 4 year old broke his arm jumping on the bed.

Because of the severity of the break, he couldn’t get a waterproof cast. So my dreams of spending the summer at the pool with my friends went out the window faster than I can say, “Yay Summer, ” (insert eye roll).

breaking an arm is when life throws you lemons

Don’t get me wrong, I know it could be worse. I know I should be grateful  this didn’t happen during the last week of school madness.

I should be grateful it didn’t happen when my hubby was out of town. And that even though his arm is broken in two places and the bone was bent, at least the bones were still intact.

At least he still has one good arm, and he didn’t have to have surgery to put pins in, but it still sucks!

And I’m giving myself permission right now to have a little pity party that life has thrown me a bucket of lemons and to be mad about our current situation.

Tomorrow I will put my happy face back on for my boy and tell him it’s going to be ok. I’ll find something fun for us to do that doesn’t involve water or being outside in the heat. Something that doesn’t involve running, climbing or jumping.

I’ll give him an extra hug and tell him how much I love him.  That I’m here to help him navigate the challenges of playing legos, going potty, and eating ice cream with his left hand.

I’m also going to give myself grace to be ok with a little extra tech time this summer.

The grace to be a little jealous when everyone’s social media feed is covered in pool photos and we have to miss all the neighborhood pool parties.

Sometimes, when life throws you lemons, it’s ok to throw them out with the trash. You don’t always have to make lemonade.

I’m not in control.

Part of me thinks maybe God just wanted to remind me that he’s in control and I am not.

I think I jinxed myself when I had a little mommy meltdown on that first Friday school was out.

I had a “come to Jesus” meeting with my kids about how they were going to treat each other. We discussed that they were going to have to earn tech time with good behavior and doing school work.

Then 5 minutes later they were hitting each other, and I screamed, “I feel like I have no control!”

Yep, that’s what I get for trying to control my kids and make them sit quietly in the car.

The reality is that kids will be kids and all I can do is try to do the best I can.

Although this summer may not be what I had pictured in my mind, it will be ok. I’ll make the best of it. The cast is only temporary and this too shall pass.

Plus, luckily I have my village of moms to help me get through it.

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Using Art To Talk When Kids Lose A Pet

/ Mom Life Counseling, LLC / 8 Comments

Losing a pet is something you never want to deal with, but unfortunately it’s part of having them. When you add kids into the mix, this can be even harder. Finding the words to talk to your kids when you’re dealing with your own grief can feel overwhelming! But this art activity can make it easier for kids to share their feelings without having to push them to talk. 

When we had to say goodbye to our dog Andre after having him for almost 14 years, I learned how to do this the hard way. Even as a former child therapist, I had no idea how to talk to my kids about death. I’d never had to do it before. Plus I didn’t want to say anything that would upset them more. We had talked about our loved ones who are in heaven, but they all passed away before they were born.

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My mom is a retired elementary art teacher and although I’m not as talented as her, I do have a love for art. When we don’t have the words to talk about how we’re feeling, we can use art to express ourselves and uncover emotions that we didn’t even know existed. Young children haven’t developed the words to express how they’re feeling and art is a great way to help them do that!

Using “Color Your Heart” to Process Losing A Pet

Color Your Heart is an activity that I used often in my play therapy practice. What I love about this activity is that it’s super simple and doesn’t require any artistic talent. It also helps you name your emotions, which is a great way to help kids develop empathy. Here’s how to do it:  

Step 1: Lay The Groundwork

First, I asked my boys if they wanted to do an activity with me. Sometimes they’re really excited about doing crafty activities and sometimes it’s a struggle to get them onboard. Luckily this time they were interested and it didn’t take much convincing. 

Step 2: Gather Your Supplies 

Next, I got out a few sheets of blank paper and some crayons. On each sheet of paper I drew a large heart and a few small boxes to the side.

Step 3: Name Your Feelings

I started with my youngest because I knew that he was likely to copy whatever his brother said, and I wanted to get genuine answers from him. I asked him to tell me which feelings he had in his heart. 

Then I told him to color in the box with the color that he thought went with that feeling. I let him know that he could choose any color he wanted for each feeling. First, he said he was happy and excited. And then he said, “Is it ok if I put one that’s not nice?”

I told him that we could write down any feelings that he was having and it didn’t matter what kind they were. So then he named worried, mad, and sad. It was important for him to get permission to express negative feelings too. People are often afraid to share these emotions, but keeping them inside is unhealthy. The earlier we can teach kids that it’s ok to have them, the better they’ll be at coping with them. 

Step 4: Color It In

Once he was done listing the feelings in his heart, I asked him to color it in with the colors that showed how he was feeling.

Since he chose green for excited, he would color in a little bit of green if he was feeling a little bit excited and a lot of green if he was feeling really excited.

Step 5: Process The Feelings

As he was coloring my son started to tell me about why he chose the feelings that he did. If he didn’t, I could have given him a little encouragement to share by saying things like, “You put a lot of red! Can you tell me about that?” or “Do you want to tell me about the colors you put in your heart?” 

blog heart activity2I also had my older son do this. He had an easier time sharing why he chose the feelings that he put in his heart. I expected that though since he’s almost 3 years older! 

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I’m really glad that I did this activity with my boys. They both ended up telling me unprompted that they put sad in their hearts, because they were sad about our dog dying.

It gave them an easy way to get the feelings out that they were keeping bottled up. They also began to ask questions later that day about death and dying. I think this activity opened the door for them to talk about things they normally wouldn’t have. They both shared about experiences they had at school that day that I otherwise wouldn’t have known about.

Adults can do this activity too!

Just because we grow up and learn how to express our feelings doesn’t mean it’s always easy. Using art to express ourselves can be a really powerful thing. I encourage you to try art therapy yourself! You can find some easy art activities on Pinterest that don’t require a lot of supplies.

If you’re interested in learning more about how to use art to express yourself, there is a great book called Visual Journaling, by Barbara Ganim that can help you get started. This book includes simple art activities that teach help you use images instead of words to dig deeper into the part of your brain where your feelings are stored. It can help adults manage stress and anger, which is something we all need at times! 

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6 Ways To Survive Meal Time With Picky Eaters

/ Mom Life Counseling, LLC / 9 Comments

Inside: Meal time with kids who are picky eaters can be a challenge. Here are a few ways to make it easier for your family.

As much as I love to eat and try new foods, I don’t consider myself a good cook. I can follow a recipe, but if it has more than 5 steps I get easily overwhelmed. So when I spend the energy to make dinner for my family and they don’t like it I get more upset than I probably should.

My four year old has entered the picky eating phase. So most of the time we stick to the same 4 or 5 meals that I know everyone likes to eat- tacos, pita pizzas, spaghetti, or cheeseburgers and hotdogs. For someone who likes to try new foods, this can get very boring!

Luckily my seven-year-old went through a similar picky eating phase that he has mostly grown out of, so I know there is hope. I’ve started trying to branch out with our menus, but it feels like a never-ending battle sometimes.

boy who is a picky eater crying over a bowl of salad

Right before Thanksgiving my four-year-old made a pumpkin pie with his class at pre-k. He came home from school that day really excited about it. So I thought it would be nice to make one together for our family Thanksgiving dinner. It was a simple pumpkin pie recipe with graham cracker crust, pumpkin pie filling, instant vanilla pudding, and whipped cream.

I purchased all of the ingredients and set out to make the pie with my kids. After washing his hands, getting a band-aid for his “boo boo,” a potty break, and washing hands again, my four-year-old said to me, “Mommy I didn’t like the pie I made at school.”

Are you kidding me?

I could have let this derail me and given up on making the pie, but we made it anyway. My older son and I licked the bowl and it was quite good. I don’t even remember at this point if my four-year-old ate the pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving, but the rest of us enjoyed it. The point is, don’t let your tiny dictators stop you from cooking or baking what you want.

6 TIPS To Make Meal Time With Picky Eaters Easier.

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1. OFFER AT LEAST ONE THING YOU KNOW YOUR KIDS WILL LIKE

Whenever I try a new recipe that I’m not sure whether or not anyone will like, I make sure to still offer at least one thing I know the rest of my family will eat. My kids will eat just about any fruit, so we always offer fruit with every meal. This way I feel like they aren’t going to starve if they don’t eat the main course.

2. STAY POSITIVE

I know it can be frustrating and easy to raise your voice when things don’t go as planned, but engaging in a battle of the wills with your kids often doesn’t do anything other than get everyone upset. Try to start out positive, hoping that everyone will at least try what you offer.

If they don’t, it will go much smoother if your response is, “That’s ok.” It’s important for children to develop a healthy relationship with food at a young age. But if all they remember about meal time as a child was fighting, that’s not going to help.

3. TRY REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY

toddler who is a picky eater crying and refusing to eat

This may sound counterintuitive, but it worked for us. When my now seven-year-old was four, he would gag himself when we made him eat something he didn’t want to eat. One day, my mom said to him, “You won’t eat that!” and it had the opposite effect. He ate it!

So for several weeks we dared him not to eat his meat and it got him to try it. He realized that he loved ground beef and now his favorite food in the world is cheeseburgers. I promise there is hope for those of you out there struggling with picky eaters!

4. USE A REWARDS SYSTEM

My kids are not only competitive, but they love positive reinforcement. This can work in our favor or against us. The way we use it at mealtime is by offering a small dessert if they eat a “good” dinner. A “good” dinner to me doesn’t necessarily mean cleaning your plate, but at least trying a few bites of vegetables and every food offered.

You can also use a sticker chart and give your child a sticker for each day meal time goes well. Then when they have a certain number of stickers they can earn a reward. The reward could be something like an extra book at bedtime, a small toy, or letting them choose a family outing that weekend.

This magnetic chart is a great tool that you can use to track your child’s cooperation at meals.

It has different categories like Healthy Eating and magnets that say “I ate my veggies” and “I ate a healthy dinner.”

5. MAKE IT FUN

Kids love to play games! You can help them develop healthy eating habits and have fun at meals with games like these:

                                                

You can also get a fun plate like this one:

Who knows. Going against the rules and letting your picky eater play with their food, may be just what they need to get them to try something they don’t like. Parents.com even says it’s ok. 

The first time my youngest actually ate vegetables was when he did a taste test at school. They tried different things like carrots, peppers, lemons, and other foods with distinct tastes. Then they talked about how they tasted and drew pictures of them.  

6. DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU

Too often in the beginning as a mom, I would google things like the best way to get your child to sleep and come up with so many conflicting answers that it stressed me out even more. If it works for your family to cook separate meals for your kids, do it. If you’re a believer in sending your kids to bed hungry if they don’t eat what you cook, then so be it! 

I have two very strong-willed boys, one who will sit at the table for an hour chewing the same bite just so he doesn’t have to swallow it. So forcing my kids to eat something doesn’t work for me.

Most importantly, don’t give up. If you are in the midst of the challenging phase where you dread dinnertime because you’re afraid it’s going to be a struggle, just remember this too shall pass!

Share in the comments what has helped make mealtime with the picky eaters in your family more manageable.

Dad trying to feed a toddler who is being a picky eater and refusing to eat

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