So let’s be real. The gift that moms really want is not something you can buy from a store. What moms really want is to be able to drink their coffee while it’s hot and pee alone in peace. The best gift you can give is to take the kids out of the house so they can do whatever they please for a few hours.
But if you insist on buying a Valentine’s gift for the mom in your life here a few ideas. Better yet, give her one or two of these gifts and then take the kids out of the house so she can actually use them!
I’m doing a series on self-care. So I thought it would be a good idea to share some of my favorite things that I like to use to take care of myself.
IDEAS TO HELP YOU GET ORGANIZED
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I love anything by Kate Spade. How cute is this journal my sister-in-law got me for Christmas? She has good taste!
I would love to have this sticky note set to write my never ending to-do lists. They may never get done, but at least they would look good!
If the mom in your life is anything like me, when they get the chance to relax in the tub, they light a candle too. These Woodwick Candles make a crackling sound when you burn them. So they help soothe your sense of sound more than just a regular candle would.
BOOKS TO READ
I love to read any chance I get. Getting into a good book can really help me forget about whatever mom stress I’m dealing with. The only downside is that I stay up too late reading. Then I still have to get up super early to take my kids to school. I don’t think that’s going to stop me anytime soon though. Here are a few of my favorite books that I’ve read recently:
GIFTS TO PAMPER
Most of the time, moms are the ones to get up in the middle of the night with the crying baby, so we often lose sleep. Kate Somerville’s Intensive Exfoliating Treatment can help! It improves the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles including crow’s feet. The best part is that it only takes 2 minutes to use! A little goes a long way so don’t let the price tag fool you. You can make the travel size stretch for several months!
You can follow the exfoliator up with this Organic Rose Water by Insta Natural. If you have sensitive skin, I highly recommend this. It not only soothes and hydrates, but it naturally balances your skin’s ph to help you get your natural glow back.
In the Winter, I love to wear my Lamo Moccasin slippers around the house to keep my feet warm. You can never have too many pairs of slippers. Since they do get a little stinky after about a year, it’s nice to trade them out for new ones.
I hope this helps you decide what to get that mom in your life who needs a little help taking care of herself this Valentine’s Day!
If you’re a mom reading this, share what you hope to get for Valentine’s Day. I would have added chocolate, but I kind of want that from a local chocolate store, not the kind you can get on Amazon!
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Living with anxiety is not new to me. In fact, I remember the first time I realized I might have it. We were going down the escalator in Macy’s at Lenox Mall. Anyone in Georgia knows that Lenox is the busiest mall in Atlanta. Nothing specific really happened to trigger my anxiety, other than the store being really crowded.
The details are kind of a blur. But I remember feeling this overwhelming sense of panic covering me like a blanket. I started feeling like I was in another place- like I was about to pass out.
It was like I was outside of my body physically, but I fully knew where I was in my head.
I remember saying something to my husband about how I didn’t feel right and then I started to get really upset. He looked at me like I was crazy, but once he realized I wasn’t joking he said something that made me snap out of it. I don’t remember what that was either, but I think it had something to do with reminding me to breathe.
It wasn’t until a few years later that I realized I had a mini panic attack that day. I think I’ve always had some form of anxiety, but it’s changed as I’ve gotten older.
As long as I can remember, there have been periods where I’ve had trouble sleeping. As a little girl, everything had to be just right in my room in order for me to fall asleep. My stuffed animals had to be in a specific spot and the bathroom light in the hallway had to be on with the door opened just a crack.
When I was 8 or 9 I would sneak into my parent’s bedroom and fall asleep on the floor in front of their bed. For some reason, I just felt safer there.
Something was different about me.
I had plenty of friends back then, but I was always a little awkward physically. I had frizzy curly hair that I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to brush out.
It’s a miracle I didn’t get teased by more than my brothers!!!
My growth spurt hit at 12 or 13 and I shot up taller than a lot of the boys in my grade. Along with that came huge hips and what I then called “thunder thighs.”
I wasn’t like the other girls in my grade- the ones that boys paid attention to. Those girls had straight hair and they were super skinny. I know now that the things I was ashamed of back then are what make me who I am.
I’m still working on my self-confidence, but I’m able to recognize that my thighs are strong, and my curly hair makes me unique.
But I also think that feeling so strongly about being different made me nervous. I remember lying awake late at night replaying all the conversations I’d had that day, obsessing over what I said or didn’t say. I’d stay up so late worrying that I couldn’t wake up on time for school the next day.
Once I got closer to graduating, I had more important things to worry about. I stressed over where I was going to college, what I wanted to be, and getting a perfect 4.0.
I know it’s not that abnormal to worry about those things, but I remember the only B I got in high school like it just happened yesterday. I’ll never forget how devastated I was! I think I took the obsessing and worrying a little too far.
Maybe I had anxiety back then and just didn’t know it yet.
What Is Anxiety Anyway?
The American Psychological Association defines anxiety as an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure.
I can definitely say I’ve been able to check all of those boxes at some point in my life. But now that I’m a mom, living with anxiety has taken on a whole new meaning.
What Anxiety Looks Like For Moms
It’s worrying that I yelled too much last night and I didn’t play enough. And falling asleep wondering if my kids know how much I love them.
It’s hearing a siren and hoping it’s not someone I love. This feels even worse if it happens when my kids are at school!
It’s thinking that my friends don’t like me anymore when I haven’t heard from them in a while. Then it’s checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if they texted me back when I ask them if they want to meet up.
It’s walking into a party praying that I don’t look ridiculously out of style in my jeans that never fit right after I had kids and my sweater from last season.
It’s hoping that my child isn’t being a mean kid on the playground, but being too scared that he is to intervene and find out. And if he is, it’s being too uncertain of my parenting style to know what to do or the right words to say.
It’s worrying that my son’s going to fall off the monkey bars and break his arm again. Or that my other son’s getting too close to the edge and will fall off too. Then he’ll end up needing surgery again and he’ll be so scared because of what he’s already been through.
It’s lying awake at night thinking of all the things I need to do, worrying that I’m going to forget one of them. Then finally getting up to make lunches at midnight or sign my child’s permission slip, because I don’t trust myself to remember.
It’s making my kids hold my hands extra tight in every parking lot and losing my cool when they don’t listen and run off.
It’s worrying that the car in front of me is going to slam on the breaks. Sometimes, when it’s raining really hard and I’m driving in it, it’s worrying that I’m going to start skidding across four lanes of traffic and end up in the median. And if I do end up dying, what will happen to my kids? Who will take care of them? Where will they live? Who will be there to see them graduate and help them plan their future weddings?
Sometimes, it’s not wanting to get out of bed.
All the time, it’s second-guessing myself as a mom. Wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Questioning if I’m feeding my kids the right thing- if I should be giving them more veggies and less candy.
Are these things all normal? Does every mom feel this way sometimes about their kids? I don’t know, but what I do know is that if you’re out there feeling this way, you’re not alone.
There Is Help For Moms Living With Anxiety
If you’re feeling anxious or worried enough that you feel like it’s stopping you from doing your job as a mom, please reach out for help. Find someone you feel safe talking to. It can make a big difference! Psychology today is a great place to start.
Some other things that help me are:
Journaling
Deep Breathing
Regular Exercise
Check out my previous blog on Self Care For Busy Moms, for more tips on managing anxiety as a mom.
Why am I always trying so hard to rush my kids to grow up? I put a lot of pressure on them to be “big” and do things for themselves.
That’s not always a bad thing. I know they need to learn eventually and if I’m always doing everything for them they never will. But sometimes I wonder if I’m stealing their childhood.
Is society’s sense of urgency making me parent that way?
When my kids were babies, I just wanted the sleepless nights to end.
Everyone would say things like:
“Enjoy the baby snuggles while you can. They’ll be gone before you know it.”
But I was secretly searching baby books for answers about when it would end.
I wanted to know what age they had to be when I wouldn’t have to wake them to feed them anymore. Then I wanted to know how much they needed to weigh before they could sleep through the night. Once I read that when a baby weighs about 12 lbs they can last all night without feeding. I became obsessed with how much they weighed after that.
When they were between 2 and 3 years old, I was researching what age to start potty training so that we could get out of diapers.
Once they were able to eat solid food, I was waiting for the day they’d be able to feed themselves. Then I was counting down the days until they’d be in school full time, so I could really get a break.
I think my youngest has probably felt this the most. Without realizing it, I compare what he can do to what his big brother can do. But I forget that his brother is almost 3 years older. I assume that because my oldest can go to the bathroom by himself, so should he.
I forget that he’s at a different stage developmentally and being potty trained is still a new-ish skill for him. As much as I want him to wipe himself and remember to wash his hands with soap without being reminded, he is only 5!
Can We Just Slow It Down?
Last week I had a moment where I realized I need to stop rushing my kids to grow up though. You know those moments as a mom where you feel like you just want time to stand still?
The ones where you picture your kids leaving for college and you realize that everyone was right….Your days where your kids are at home with you are numbered. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t get sentimental like this often, but every now and then I do.
Sometimes I worry that my 5 -year-old missed out on a lot of the things that little kids are into like Mickey Mouse and Elmo. When he wanted to watch preschool shows, his brother would tell him they were for babies. Since he thinks his big brother hung the moon, he stopped asking to watch those shows. He graduated right to super heros and Sponge Bob at age 3!
Dressing just like big brother
Goodbye Too Soon?
A few years ago, we realized that our kids were both really interested in Legos. The younger one was able to put together regular size Lego sets, so we decided to get rid of all of our duplo Legos. Ever since then, my youngest has asked why we had to get rid of them.
This year, he asked for more for Christmas. When I was helping with the holiday party in his classroom, I noticed that he went right to the Duplo legos during the free play time. Plus any time I ask him what he does during centers at school, he says that he plays with the duplos.
So Santa got him a set of duplo Legos. They must be his favorite gift because he has played with them over and over again. Instead of spending a few hours putting together a Lego set and then losing interest when it’s done, he creates something new every day.
Last week I noticed that the instruction booklet that came in the duplo Lego box had a piece missing. The missing piece was the part that said the age range was 1 ½ +.
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I know the plus sign after the 1 ½ is open-ended, but I wondered if my 5-year-old read it differently. Did he think his brother would think he’s a baby for playing with them?
It made me realize that he might need permission to just be 5. He might need me to give that to him. So I thought of a few things I can do.
6 Tips For Giving Your Child Permission To Be A Kid:
Build-in time for pretend play. Sometimes if I’m not careful, my kids will go days in a row where they don’t actually play with their toys. We’re always rushing from one activity to the next after school and on the weekends. Then when we’re at home, it’s easy to just turn on the tv or let my kids play endless amounts of video games. I “try” to set limits on screentime and when that time is up, I tell them to go in their play room and play. Sometimes they resist and complain that they’re bored, but I show them how they can use their imagination.
Play more. My goal is to actually sit down and play with my kids, when I can, at least 30 minutes a week. During this time, I make sure to turn off all devices and play whatever they want me to.
Organize their toys and make them easier to find. By helping my son find his Paw Patrol and PJ Mask characters and putting them in a special place, he’s more likely to go play with them when he’s bored.
Talk about how it’s ok to like toys or shows that older siblings might say are for babies. I’ve had to remind my 5-year-old often that he’s not a baby even if he likes different things than his brother.
Watch Peter Pan and sing ‘I’ll never grow up’.This one’s a classic and always makes me wish I was still a kid.
December is here and so is the stress of the holiday season. For me it started on Thanksgiving and has only gotten worse since then. Now that Christmas is only 2 weeks away, I’m starting to really feel overwhelmed.
But why? Why do I do this to myself every single year? Last year, I made a conscious decision to say, “No” to more and decided not to do Christmas cards. As much as I love giving and receiving real mail, it’s just one more thing to do during such a busy time of the year.
I felt guilty when I started receiving cards from others though. I also regretted not sending them out to family that lives far away and might look forward to getting them from us.
So this year, I drug my family through the process of getting professional photos taken and I put myself through the unnecessary stress of trying to design the perfect card. Now I still have to find time to send them out and hope I can do it before the holidays are over!
Stress Snowballs
The stress we feel during the holidays comes from so many different places and much of it is from the little things that add up. It’s not just from the extra gatherings we attend during this time of year and all of the gifts we run around searching for.
We also have to figure out what to wear to the parties, how we’ll get there, and what we’ll bring with us. If we’re bringing food we have to shop for the ingredients and then find the time to bake or cook the food.
THEN, once you’re at the event, some of us have added stress about what they can eat or how we’re going to refrain from eating too much.
Add to the list the regular everyday stressors of life like paying your bills and keeping your house clean. For moms, we also have to take care of our kids and make sure we aren’t neglecting them. Otherwise, they start to act out for our attention which causes even more stress.
If you’re like me and have even one birthday in your family in December (we have 3), then you can forget a moment of downtime.
All of this leads to the perfect storm. You have an idea in your head of the perfect Christmas that you want to provide for your family, but it never goes that way. If you’re already feeling stressed, when one little thing goes wrong you feel like you just can’t handle it.
Lost in Transit
For example, I bought my husband, whose birthday is December 7th, the birthday gift he really wanted online in early November. I thought I was getting a head start, but come to find out everyone else wanted the same thing. So the shipping status said that it would arrive on Dec. 5th.
I thought it would be cutting it close, and started to get him something else instead. I decided it was worth the wait though, because I knew it was what he really wanted. Well, Dec. 5th came and the package didn’t. Apparently, it got hung up on Black Friday somewhere in Norcross, GA (which is ironically the next town over).
I was able to get a replacement sent, but it won’t be here until AFTER Christmas, in January!!!!
Luckily, I had already ordered a vest that he wanted on Black Friday and was going to give it to him for Christmas. So I was able to give him that for his birthday instead. Except that when I took it out of the box to wrap it, it was the wrong size.
The company that I bought it from doesn’t do exchanges, but I could return the item for free and order another one. So I ordered another one with expedited shipping. But guess what my mom brain did…….ordered the wrong size…..AGAIN!!!
I know what you’re thinking, why didn’t you just cancel the order? Well I couldn’t. The store didn’t have any available customer service reps working on Saturdays and they don’t allow cancellations for online orders. Not only could I not exchange the wrong sized vest again, I also couldn’t cancel the order. The guy at the Fed-Ex counter at Staples is going to know me on a first name basis by the end of this.
I knew what I had done immediately after I pressed the order button, but it was too late. Something that wouldn’t normally be a big deal, caused me to break down in tears. Because I was already feeling stressed by all of the other things piling up.
The reality is, we can’t control all of these things. Not only are they out of our control, but stressing about them takes away from the real reason we celebrate holidays anyway.
So, I did what any girl would do in this situation. I let out a loud scream and pounded my head on the steering wheel. And then I drove my car to DSW and got some new shoes.
Before I did that, I took a few minutes to write in my journal. When I was writing, I realized that I can’t let all of these little things get me down.
I need to focus on what really matters. When I start to feel stressed by the holiday mayhem, I’m going to take a deep breath and remember what Christmas is all about. It’s about the birth of our Savior, Jesus!
Here are some other ways I’m MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS:
Setting Boundaries
I’m also trying to set boundaries and I’m working on saying NO. It’s ok if we can’t go to every holiday party we’re invited to. We might miss something fun and the fear of missing out is hard. But filling every minute of your family’s time isn’t healthy.
Letting Go Of Being Perfect
It’s ok if every day isn’t perfect and I don’t have the perfect gift for every person on my list. What really matters is the spirit of giving and the thought that goes into it.
We don’t have to have the perfect Christmas tree with the fullest branches. And it doesn’t have to look perfect when the decorations are put on.
Before I had kids, I used to think each strand of lights had to be equal distance apart and the ornaments all had to be color coordinated.
I’ve had to let go of that, because decorating the tree with my kids is a tradition my family looks forward to. If I’m trying to boss everyone around and control where they put each ornament, that takes the fun out of it for everyone.
Our imperfect Christmas tree.
Putting Down My Device
I’m putting down my device so that I can just BE with my family and enjoy spending time with them. My kids will only be this little for a few more years. Eventually, they’re going to grow up and move out. They’ll have their own families and I may not get to see them as much over the holidays.
Although, my 5-year-old says he wants to live with me forever. So there’s a chance he’ll be living in our basement at 35.
Remembering To Breathe
I’m taking time to breathe and making sure that I’m going to yoga even when I have a million other things to do. I’m taking a few minutes to pause in the car before running into the store to get the crucial ingredient I need to make the special Christmas recipe.
Here are some other ways I practice self-care. As a mom, it’s so important that we don’t forget about our own needs so that we can stay strong enough to be there for our families.
Praying
I’m taking time to pray and asking God to help me remember why we celebrate. I’m asking for his help, because I know that I can’t do it all on my own.
And next year, I’m not sending Christmas cards! Who am I kidding, I probably will. But that’s ok. If I learn anything, next year I’ll make the cards in September when there aren’t any birthdays in our family.
This Christmas, I hope you’re able to take time to enjoy the traditions your family has while avoiding some of the holiday mayhem!
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A few weeks ago, my kids had a long weekend off so we went to a playground that we don’t normally get to go to.
I was so excited, because in my mind I pictured it to be much bigger and to have some really cool features that most playgrounds don’t have. I thought they would be so excited. We did have a good time, but it didn’t really go like I expected.
I had to pee immediately after we got there, but of course the bathroom was really far from the playground. I tried to hold it for as long as I could, but I was so uncomfortable. Eventually, I had to drag my kids with me to the bathroom. They were so upset with me that you would have thought I was taking away their favorite toy.
Despite this little mistake, I can still say that I’ve learned a few things over the years about what makes a playground fun. I’ve also learned what not to do. Of course, like most things in parenting, there’s always room to learn more!
So here are 7 things to do to make sure your kids have fun at the playground:
1. Drink Lots of Coffee
Drinking lots of coffee before an outing with your kids is really tempting because you need energy to keep up with your kids. When taking your kids to a playground it’s especially tempting because they’ll want you to play with them. Even though you might be bringing your kids to a playground so that you can get a break, they WILL want you to play with them.
Drinking at least 3 cups of coffee will ensure that you have enough energy to do this. It will also mean that you will need to pee. You’ll have to drag your kids with you to the bathroom, because of course you can’t leave them there to play unsupervised. Your kids will be so happy that they’ll forget they’re even at the playground!
2. There Can’t Be Bathrooms Nearby
Since you’ve fueled up on coffee, no matter how many times you pee before you leave the house you’ll need to go again once you get there. Our bladders as moms went through the ringer when we were pregnant and the aforementioned children sat on them for 9 months. It’s ok though. Moms are used to having to hold it when we have to go.
Also, if you really want to have a good time at the playground make sure to bring your potty-training toddler to a place that doesn’t even have a bathroom! This is the best recipe for fun!
3. Don’t Bring Any Snacks
Your kids will surely be hungry the minute you step foot out of the car, even though they will have just eaten breakfast. Be sure not to pack enough snacks so they’ll whine about how hungry they are the entire time you’re there.
Definitely don’t bring a variety of snacks, because your child will never change their mind and refuse to eat the food that was their favorite the day before.
4. Don’t Pack Any Extra Clothes
This tip is mostly for the moms with younger kids. Make sure not to bring any extra clothes. You never know when there’s going to be a potty accident and your child will need a fresh outfit.
Plus, I remember the times when my toddler had a meltdown because he dumped water on himself and then no longer wanted to wear his shirt because it was soaking wet.
Older kids will sometimes need a change of clothes too. They might go down a wet slide or decide to play in the stream if the playground has one. Or if you misjudge the weather and 74 degrees actually “feels like” 59, you’ll wish you had jackets.
So if you want to ensure a fun day at the playground, make sure you aren’t prepared for any of these situations.
5. Choose A Playground Without Any Shade
In the summer, you’ll want to make sure that you find the hottest playground you can! That means find one without any shade. Fortunately there are plenty of this type of playgrounds around so you won’t have a hard time with this one.
6. Don’t Give A 10 Minute Warning
If you want your kids to have the best day ever, do this one thing. Be sure to grab them in the middle of their fun and tell them it’s time to go. Don’t give them a 10 minute warning so they can finish up their game or go down the slide one last time.
7. Don’t Invite Any Friends
Hopefully by now you’ve caught on that I’ve been giving you bad advice. So if you’re smart enough to do the opposite of what I’m saying, you’ll make sure to invite friends to meet you at the playground. This will actually solve most of your problems.
Your kids will have someone to play with and will stop bugging you to play Hide And Seek Tag. You will also have someone to watch your kids while you run to the bathroom, and you might even be able to bum a few snacks off of them.
If you have a clothing emergency, chances are your friend will have a backup to share. Plus, when it’s time to go home, you can make sure to coordinate with your friends to leave at the same time. This is why finding your village, is such an important part of being a mom! Your mom friends are always there to back you up!
I hope you can learn from my mistakes and help your kids have the best day ever the next time you go to a playground!
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Last week I had back to back school conferences with both of my kids’ teachers. I didn’t plan it this way. I didn’t actually realize what I’d done until I got a reminder email from one of them. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
You see, the day prior I had one of those days where I felt like a failure as a mom. We had been at a birthday party where there was a piñata. I like piñatas because my kids LOVE piñatas. They go all out crazy anytime there is one.
My oldest takes it one step further than most though. Granted he was literally the 2nd oldest kid at the party and the tallest by at least 4 inches, but he truly let his greedy side show up to this piñata party.
Once the piñata was busted, the chaos ensued and the feeding frenzy began. After what had to have been no more than 2 minutes, my child walked away with about a pound of candy and toy trinkets. There were probably half a dozen other kids crying that they didn’t get a single thing!
Even though the competitive side of me wanted to shake my son’s hand for winning this “piñata game” and getting in there to claim his prizes, the bigger part of me was appalled.
So I did what any right minded mom would do and started grabbing handfuls of his candy to give to the less fortunate smaller kids who didn’t get any. Of course after he realized his loot was cut in half, he wasn’t happy with me and walked away pouting.
When I asked him where his goodie bag was, he said that since I gave most of his candy away he gave the little that was left to his brother and threw the bag away. This only made me feel like I had raised an even bigger brat so we left the party fighting. I complained to my husband that night and he had a talk with him about sharing.
School Conference Day
The next day, I met with my other son’s teacher first. She had only good things to say- that he’s excelling in every subject, he’s a good listener, and is a joy to have in class. She asked what we were doing, because she wanted to do the same thing when she has kids of her own one day.
Then, I met with my oldest son’s teacher and she also had glowing remarks! I already knew he was doing well academically, but it was her comment about his character that really surprised me. To be completely honest I know he’s a good kid, but I didn’t expect her to say that he was one of only a few students she’s ever had who is truly a good person.
I needed to hear these things. It’s not that I don’t think I’m a good mom. I know I’m doing an ok job, but it feels really good to hear from someone else that I’m raising such kind and considerate children. I actually felt a little guilty about getting so mad the day before. But I’ve already told you that I struggle with mom guilt. You can read all about that in my previous post here: https://momlifewithp.com/mom-guilt-how-to-deal-when-it-strikes/.
Hearing Positive Feedback From Strangers
This past weekend we were eating breakfast at a tiny crowded coffee shop in Ashville. The boys were smearing muffins into the seat cushions, standing up in their chairs, and using really loud voices. The table next to us felt so awkwardly close that I had a hard time not eavesdropping on the ladies who were sitting there.
When we were getting ready to leave, one of them looked at me and said, “You’re doing a good job. Your kids are really well behaved.” What?!?! These two? Was she in the same restaurant I was just in? I couldn’t believe she said that, but I thanked her and walked away feeling again like maybe I AM doing something right.
As moms we don’t hear what we’re doing right enough. This job doesn’t come with a yearly performance evaluation where we get a raise if we’re meeting the company’s standards. So to all the teachers out there, tell your students’ parents when they’re getting it right. Tell them as often as you can, not just once a year at the parent/teacher conference.
Husbands, tell your wives they’re good moms. It may seem obvious to you, but she needs to hear it because she doesn’t always believe it. This goes for everyone, if you see a mom in public tell her she’s doing a good job. Even if her kids aren’t being perfect angels. If they’re eating their food and not throwing it at you, she needs to know she’s not screwing it all up.
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The first few months of motherhood can be one of the most amazing yet hardest parts of a woman’s life. There are so many new experiences that you don’t expect and don’t know how to react to. There are moments of doubt, confusion, uncertainty, and overwhelming fear.
But once you realize that you aren’t alone and that what you are going through is normal it is such a relief! For some reason we don’t talk about these things until after the fact. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to scare women away from motherhood. But I want moms to know that they aren’t alone, which is why I started this blog in the first place.
I think I’ve kind of buried a lot of the memories of the newborn phase or maybe it’s all a blur because I was so sleep deprived. So I asked some of my mom friends what they wish someone had told them before they had kids.
Here’s what they had to say:
10 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Became A Mom
It’s Lonely:
There will be days and night that seem to run together in the beginning, and you’ll feel so alone. You’ll feel like you’re never going to get out of the house, but then one day you’ll get out of the newborn baby fog and you’ll feel comfortable leaving the house with them. You’ll be able to do a little more outside of the house each week, and eventually things will start to feel normal again.
I joined a local Mom’s Club when I had my 2nd and this really helped force me out of the house. I highly recommend it if this is an option in your area.
Breastfeeding is Hard:
Before I had my first child, I don’t remember anyone telling me how hard breastfeeding was. For some moms, it just doesn’t work. It’s ok to switch to formula at ANY time. Your baby will be fine as long as you are feeding him something.
See a Lactation Consultant:
If you do decide to continue with breastfeeding though, there is help out there. See a lactation consultant. Call the hospital and they will help you schedule this. Some insurances even cover it. There are also support groups for breastfeeding mothers and this can be a great way to meet other moms who are going through the same issues.
Cluster Feeding is a Thing:
There will be days when your baby wants to eat in between feedings and you’ll feel like all you’re doing is feeding them. They may want to eat every hour. There is nothing wrong with you or your milk, it’s just something that some babies do. The good news is that they often store up for longer sleeps when they do this!
It’s Ok to Not Love Every Moment of Motherhood:
There will be hard days and times where you don’t love being a mom, but that’s just par for the course. You are not alone in feeling that way and it doesn’t make you a bad mom. It’s also ok to feel sad.
People will offer to help and you have to let them! You can’t do it all alone, especially in the beginning when you’re still trying to adjust. If your friend wants to come over and help, put her to work so you can take a nap. Let her do a few loads of laundry. Let her hold the baby for a few minutes so you can go take a shower. It doesn’t make you a weaker mom, it will make you stronger when you can come back refreshed!
Around week 2 the baby might start being awake more during the day (and unfortunately at night too). This is also around the time your adrenaline rush starts to wear off and you start to feel the effects of sleep deprivation catching up to you. This is when you need to reach out for help.
Your Baby Will Be OK:
Having a baby will be terrifying at times. So many of my friends referenced this part, but they want you to know that you don’t have to be afraid. Your baby will be ok and you are fully capable of keeping them alive! Each day will get easier and you’ll look back one day and see what a great job you did.
Trust Your Gut:
There are endless amounts of parenting books (and now mom blogs) out there. A lot of them will give you conflicting advice. Sometimes it will be better to just ignore it all and trust your gut. If you think you want to let your baby cry it out, do it. If you’d rather go in and hold her every time she cries in the middle of the night, DO it! Neither way is right or wrong and you have to figure out what works for you.
It Will Get Easier:
It might be really really hard in the beginning, but it will get easier. People wouldn’t keep having babies after their first time around if this wasn’t true. This was one of the best tidbits of advice a fellow mom gave me when I was a newbie. Hold on to this and know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Share in the comments if you have anything else to add to this list. The more we can share to make it easier for new moms the better!
Inside: Why you should stop comparing yourself to all the other moms out there and trying to be someone that you’ll never be. This content may contain affiliate links.
It’s so easy to look at the other moms around you and think, “Gosh she has it all together. Why can’t I get my kids to sleep through the night at 6 weeks?” or “I can’t believe I’ve fed my family fast food 3 nights this week and she cooks delicious organic meals every night! How does she do it? Why can’t I be more like her?”
“Why can’t I manage working full time, keep my house clean, and make my family happy all the time?” Do you realize that no one is able to do that? If any mom makes you think that she can, she is fooling you!
Are you one of those moms that is jealous of your friend who has a baby and then immediately looks like she did before she got pregnant? Is all you can think about why you still haven’t lost the 40 pounds you gained when you got pregnant with your toddler who is now 3. Well guess what….just because she looks like she’s back to her normal pre-pregnancy weight, doesn’t mean she is. Even if she is back to her “pre-pregnancy weight” that doesn’t mean she’s completely happy.
Maybe she’s starving herself and working out while her baby is napping, but then she snaps at her family because she’s not taking time to rest when the baby sleeps. She might even be thinking that she wishes she could be more like you, because you always seem to have the most patience with your kids.
Despite the pounds on the scale, it’s really irrelevant.
Each of our bodies is different and we can’t make them into something they’re not. I was in a fitness class the other day and the instructor made a point to say that we shouldn’t compare our bodies and our “progress” to the person next to us. We can all do the exact same work out and eat the exact same thing all day and still look completely different.
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God made us the way we are SO that we would all be different. Can you imagine how boring our world would be if we all looked the same?
A few years ago, I attended a small group study led by Sandra Stanley on her book The Comparison Trap. It’s a 28-day devotional where she explores what the Bible says about how God made you the way that you are.
One of the devotionals studies Ephesians 2: 10 It says, “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” What that means is the good things that God’s picked for me aren’t the same for you. Instead of saying, “Why not me?” remember that God has something else planned for you, something that’s even better for you based on the gifts, skills, and temperament that he gave you.
God knew exactly what he was doing when he made you. If you try to be someone else you’re always going to come up short. You’re going to exhaust yourself spinning your wheels trying to be someone that you weren’t created to be.
Sara points out that often when we are comparing ourselves to others, we’re comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. And that’s just not fair for either person! She challenges moms to celebrate other moms successes and to look at them as being allies not enemies.
Unfortunately for moms today, with social media constantly at our fingertips, it’s so easy to get caught up in the comparison trap. But that doesn’t mean we have to stay there. We just have to make a conscious effort to get ourselves out of it.
I got this sticker from The Comparison Trap study that says, “You’re fine because you’re mine.” I put it on my mirror in my bathroom so that I would see it everyday.
There might be days that go by, where I just wash my face and brush my teeth without and even acknowledging that it’s there. But on the days that I do see it, it’s a good reminder for me that God made me the way I am and that he made me this way on purpose.
What’s something you can do to help yourself avoid getting stuck in the comparison trap?
I’ve been trying to come up with the perfect blog post and I realized that maybe I should share about my experience, because maybe there’s someone else out there that needs to hear this.
I’ve always been kind of a perfectionist. When I was in high school I had straight As (except for ONE B in AP Biology) and when I went to college I remember getting my first C. I was devastated and obviously will never forget it! Yet I still got my Masters degree and had plenty of success getting jobs when I graduated.
Blogging is a lot harder than it seems and some days I wonder if it’s too much for a perfectionist like me. You have to not only write good content but also figure out how to drive traffic to your blog. That means posting on social media.
So I’ve been trying to grow a following and post consistently in my facebook group and on Instagram. I’ve been trying to learn how to use Pinterest for marketing and there’s also Twitter, but I haven’t even begun to really use that! I have a goal in my head to post a certain number of times a day on each of these platforms and it adds up to a lot!
I also put pressure on myself to try to keep the house clean, make sure there aren’t dirty dishes in the sink, keep up with the laundry, cook healthy dinners, and give my kids attention when they get home from school.
On top of that, I also want to be involved at my kids’ school. So I joined the PTA and this year I agreed to take on the role of treasurer. I’ve been feeling guilty about not keeping the records up to date and having our available balance on the top of my head to tell the President when she asks me. She doesn’t even expect that from me. I put that pressure all on myself!
I’ve also been trying to work out, because exercise makes me feel better and releases stress, but I have to find time to fit it in. If I go to the gym, that takes up a big chunk of my day, causing me to feel more pressure to fit in the other things on my to-do list in a shorter time period.
Today I went for a walk, and I kept thinking that I needed to run because I wasn’t going to burn enough calories if I walked the whole time. I was meeting a friend for lunch so I only had a limited amount of time and I could run further than I could walk in that time.
So I was running for 1 minute intervals and then walking until I felt like I could run more. After about 20 minutes of doing this, I had the thought that I should stop putting so much pressure on myself, even in my work out. I decided to walk and just try to enjoy the moment.
When I allowed myself to walk the whole way instead of trying so hard to keep up with my run/walk/run intervals, that’s when my thoughts cleared and I started to have ideas for what I could write about. I finally thought of the answer to the parenting question that was posted in my facebook group.
The reality is, I can’t be perfect at all of these things! No one can be perfect at everything. If I keep putting pressure on myself to be perfect at all of them, I’ll end up burning out and not being very good at anything. But once I took some of the pressure off myself, I was able to do one of the things I wanted to do.
Wonder Woman is my favorite super hero, partly because I want to be like her. She has super human strength and can do anything. But I have to remember that she’s not real. She’s a comic book character. It’s not realistic for me to conquer everything and to be perfect at all of it. The perfect mom doesn’t exist!!!
Last night I had major “mom guilt.” We’ve been really laid back about letting our kids stay up late this summer and now they are totally out of their routine.
I’ve been dealing with mom guilt since I became a mom.
After my son was born, I felt guilty when he wouldn’t nap and I had to let him cry it out for a few minutes just so I could take a break.
Of course I felt even more guilt when I switched to formula feeding at 5 months because it was too much. At every feeding I was pumping, then feeding him through a bottle, and then had to wash the pump parts. I should have earned a metal for all of the effort. Instead I allowed myself to feel bad about giving up.
I felt guilty when I let him sleep in the swing for the first 4 or 5 months of his life. Even though that was the only way to get him to sleep.
When my 2nd son was born, I felt guilty for not even trying breastfeeding.
Because of all the challenges I had with my first, we decided to go straight to formula. Even though this was what was right for our family, I felt guilty for not trying to breastfeed. I also felt guilty for not giving my oldest enough attention and having to split my time and energy between them.
Lately, I feel guilty when I allow my kids too much screen time and when I let them have too much sugar. No matter how hard I try as a mom, there’s always something making me feel like I’m not doing enough.
I’m sure there are many other reasons I’ve felt “mom guilt.” It would be impossible not to.
An article on Huffpost by Taylor Pittman, 5 Ways to Cope When Mom Guilt is Getting The Best of You, quoted tennis star Serena Williams’ post on Instagram about how she felt guilty for not spending enough time with her daughter.
She’s a famous athlete, and no doubt she has had to sacrifice a lot of family time to get there. Yet she hasn’t missed a day of spending time with her. Her post had over 3000 responses last year of other moms saying that they’d also missed their kids’ important milestones and had experienced feelings of guilt.
Pittman also writes that the best way to deal with mom guilt and these feelings of inferiority is to stop comparing yourself to Hollywood’s take on the perfect mom. Carol Brady doesn’t exist and we have to stop trying to be someone who isn’t even real!
Here are 3 questions to ask yourself when you feel guilty:
1). Am I providing my kids their basic needs? If you are giving them food, drink, shelter, and love then you are doing a good job as a mom and you don’t need to feel guilty.
2). What do I need right now? It’s so easy to focus on what your kids need and forget that you as a mom have needs too. Sometimes the feeling that you can’t measure up is a result of burn out. What you may need is to take a few minutes to fill your own cup.
3). If one of my friends was feeling guilty about this would I tell her not to? If the answer is yes, why are you holding yourself to higher standards? I’m not saying you shouldn’t strive to be better. But you have to cut yourself a break when things don’t always go as planned.
What do you struggle with feeling guilty about most as a mom? Have you found anything that helps you get past it?
