How To Talk To Your Child About Death

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A few weeks ago, we had to say goodbye to our dog, Andre.

He was almost 14 years old and I got him when he was only 6 months old, so to say that it was hard is an understatement.

Obviously my boys were sad, because they were attached to him.

Even as a former child therapist, I still wasn’t quite sure how to talk to my own kids about death. I’d never had to do it before. Plus I didn’t want to say anything that would upset them more.  

We’ve talked about our loved ones who are in heaven before, but they all passed away before either of my kids were born.

Before now, they hadn’t actually experienced losing anyone or any pets.

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But I remembered an art therapy activity I used to do in my counseling practice.

My mom is a retired elementary art teacher and although I’m not as talented as her, I do have a love for art.

When we don’t have the words to talk about how we’re feeling, we can use art to express ourselves and uncover emotions that we didn’t even know existed.

Children often haven’t developed the words yet to express how they’re feeling. So art’s a great way to get them to do that.

COLOR YOUR HEART

Color Your Heart is an activity that I used often in my counseling practice.

It’s super simple and doesn’t require any artistic talent. What I love about this activity is it helps you to name your emotions, which is a great tool to help develop empathy.

It also helps you express how you’re feeling at any given moment.

It’s a great conversation starter if you ever need a way to help your child open up about a difficult topic or issue they’re facing.

How To Get Started:

First, I asked my boys if they wanted to do an activity with me. Sometimes they’re really excited about doing crafty activities and sometimes it’s a struggle to get them onboard. Luckily they were interested and it didn’t take much convincing.

Next, I got out a few sheets of blank paper and some crayons.

On each sheet of paper I drew a large heart and a few small boxes to the side.

I started with my youngest, because I knew that he was likely to copy whatever his brother said and I wanted to get genuine answers from him.

I asked him to tell me which feelings he had in his heart. Then I told him to color in the box with the color that he thought went with that feeling.

I let him know that he could choose any color he wanted for each feeling. First he said happy and excited. And then he said, “Is it ok if I put one that’s not nice?”

I told him that we could write down any feelings that he was having and it didn’t matter what kind they were.

So then he said worried, mad, and sad.

It was important for him to get permission to express even negative feelings as this helps normalize those emotions that people are often afraid to share.

Once he was done listing the feelings in his heart, I asked him to color in his heart with the colors that showed how he was feeling.

For example, since he chose green for excited he would color in a little bit of green if he was feeling a little bit excited and a lot of green if he was feeling really excited.

Then as he was coloring he started to tell me about why he chose the feelings that he did.

blog heart activity2I also had my older son do the same thing.

He had an easier time sharing why he chose the feelings that he put in his heart.  I expected that though since he’s almost 3 years older.

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I’m really glad that I did this activity with my boys.

They both ended up telling me unprompted that they put sad in their heart, because they were sad about our dog dying.

It gave them an easy way to get the feelings out that they were keeping bottled up.

They also began to ask questions later that day about death and dying. I think this activity opened the door for them to talk about it more.

As a bonus I learned about the other feelings they were having. They both shared about experiences they had at school that day that I otherwise wouldn’t have known about.

Adults can do this activity too!

Just because we grow up and learn how to express our feelings better than kids can, doesn’t mean it’s always easy.

Having another outlet can be a really powerful thing. I encourage you to try art therapy too!

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8 comments

  1. What a great exercise! I’m always trying to dig into how my kids are feeling. Next time I will try this. I know that you are all missing Andre! 😢

    1. Thank you! You should definitely try it. It’s such an easy way to get kids to open up. Yes, we do miss Andre a lot but we’re glad he doesn’t have to suffer anymore.

  2. Wow! Patrice, I love this activity! I just read an article the other day about raising emotionally intelligent kids. I was reminded it’s never too early to acknowledge and talk about how they’re feeling! Thanks for sharing this- will definitely use with EJ in the future! ♥️💪🏼

  3. Patrice, what a heartfelt and beautiful spin on such a difficult topic for families. Our family dog passed away this December after being with us for also 14 years. I have a 4 year old and 2 year old, and it’s still hard for us, especially for my 4-year old daughter. I love this activity and will consider trying it next time she brings up our dog. Thank you for sharing!

    1. I’m happy to share it! It’s so hard to find the right words for stuff like that. I’m sorry to hear about your dog passing too. You don’t realize how much you’re going to miss them until they’re gone.

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