It’s As Easy As Riding A Bike

/ Mom Life Counseling, LLC / 2 Comments

Inside: Tips for teaching your kid to ride a bike.

You know that saying, “Don’t worry. It’s as easy as riding a bike!”

I wonder if whoever started saying it has ever tried teaching their kid how to ride a bike? I doubt it, because if they had they wouldn’t be saying how easy it is!

Maybe in the context of picking it back up after not riding for a while it’s easy. Your brain must store how to do it somewhere in your subconscious memories though.

Because actually teaching someone else to ride a bike is a whole different story. Until you try, you don’t realize how hard it is to put each step of the process into something a child can understand.

Maybe it’s because we’ve had 4 broken bones between 2 kids in less than 3 years. Or maybe it’s because I’m the worst bike riding instructor on the planet.

Nevertheless, we didn’t give up.

That’s probably only due to my husband and the fact that we have complete opposite parenting styles. I’m one of those moms that says, “Ok, you don’t have to.” I hate to see them squirm! Luckily my husband didn’t allow them to give up that easily.

We definitely both needed to be there though. I’m afraid he would try a little too hard to toughen them up if they crashed and started crying.

So this all started during quarantine when we were sheltering in place. Remember when everyone was talking about the random projects they were starting because we were all stuck at home?

While other people were busy baking bread and organizing their junk drawers, we were desperate to prove to each other that we weren’t going to let our kids sit around and play video games all day.

father teaching kid to ride a bike

So we made teaching our 6 and 8 year olds how to ride their bikes our project.

It took a little longer for my 6 year old, but that’s ok. He is only 6. He was way more easily persuaded to stick with it when treats were on the line.

I think he only picked it up as fast as he did because he wanted to catch up to his brother. It didn’t hurt that his brother quickly became the expert on bike riding once he figured it out and was constantly shouting tips at him.

If you have struggled with teaching your child to ride a bike, here are a few things we learned along the way that might help:

10 TIPS FOR TEACHING YOUR KID TO RIDE A BIKE

  1. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT SIZE BIKE

We started my 8 year old out with a bike that our neighbors gave us. After the first day we realized that it was way too big for him. He couldn’t put his feet down to stop and he didn’t know how to use the breaks yet. Once we went back to the smaller bike we already had for him that we thought was too small, he did much better.

You can find out what size bike is best on Schwinn’s website.

2. BE PATIENT

You can’t rush teaching your kid to ride a bike. They may not feel comfortable enough for you to let go of them for the first few days.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t try letting go at all in the beginning, but you don’t want to push them too far at first. You really want them to build up their confidence.

Some kids will take longer than others to learn. My son was 8 and I didn’t think he’d ever figure it out, but once we started practicing consistently, it only took a few weeks.

3. WORK ON BALANCING

There are different ways you can do this. Our oldest son was turning his bike back and forth at first trying to balance himself. For some reason he thought that was what he was supposed to do.

I told him to imagine there was a tall pole going through his body and to try keeping it as straight as he could. I said, “Imagine the pole is going through your bike seat, up your back and through your helmet. You want it to go out of your helmet and then be able to reach the sky.”

This seemed to help a little, but once we went to our neighborhood school parking lot and started practicing on the center line of the road, it really helped him to have something visual to focus on. Remember, boys are visual learners!

With my youngest son, we took the pedals off his bike so he could learn to balance. My husband looked at me like I was crazy when I suggested this, but it actually worked like magic. He was able to use his bike like a balance bike and build up the confidence he needed to push the bike forward with his feet.

He rode like this for a few months actually. We kept asking him if he was ready to put the pedals back on, and he’d say no. But eventually he was ready. The first time we put the them on, he took off!

kid who is being taught how to ride a bike without pedals

The cool thing is, you don’t need to spend money on a balance bike. You can just use the bike that they’ll be riding once they learn!

4. BE PERSISTENT

This is definitely something we struggled with. We live on a really busy street with a steep driveway. So we had to pack everything up in the car and drive somewhere just so our kids could ride their bikes.

We made the mistake of letting months, sometimes years go by in between our practice sessions. If you can practice for a few days back to back, your child will figure it out much faster than ours did.

You could go practice after dinner instead of watching tv. Even if you go out to practice two days in a row, it makes a big difference. Then you can build on the progress you made the day before.

5. USE LOTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Again, your child needs to feel confident before they will be able to ride a bike on their own. The more positive reinforcement you give them, the more confident they will feel.

Make sure you’re pointing out every little step of progress they’re making. Tell your child how brave they’re being and that they’re doing a good job. Point out how hard it is, but that they’re figuring it out.

You may feel like you’re being ridiculously over the top at first, but you’ll be surprised how much it will help!

6. FIND A QUIET STREET OR PARKING LOT WITH A SLIGHT HILL

We practiced a lot at my mom’s house because the road we live on is super busy. Her street was perfect because it was a dead end with little traffic. We also practiced in our elementary school’s parking lot, because there weren’t a lot of obstacles to try to avoid.

Having a little bit of a hill, helps kids build up enough momentum to go once they start to balance. Too much of a hill can be dangerous until they know how to break though!

7. BRING LOTS OF SNACKS AND BAND-AIDS

My 6-year-old was ready to stop after every few minutes. Part of that is just his personality. But it was also summertime and super hot. So we needed to take frequent breaks. For some reason he was always hungry during those breaks. I mean he is a growing boy. And if you’re a mom, you know that always having snacks on hand when you go out is essential.

We also went out for ice cream after practicing a few times. This helped a lot in the beginning when my youngest really didn’t want to try to learn. We’d tell him that if he just practice for 10 more minutes, then we would go get a treat afterwards.

Band-aids are essential, because unfortunately accidents are bound to happen. If you can, dress your child in long pants and long sleeves to help protect their knees and elbows.

8. DON’T FORGET THE HELMET

This may seem obvious to some people, but it’s not something you want to forget! If you teach your kids when they’re learning to ride their bikes that helmets are a must, they will be more likely to use them when they’re old enough to go ride their bike on their own.

9. USE EMPATHY

This goes along with being patient. Make sure you’re considering how learning to ride a bike might feel to your child. Even though it can be one of the most fun activities for them to do once they learn, it can also be really scary at first.

There are times when you go too fast and it can feel like you’re out of control. I feel that way even now when I ride down steep hills.

Imagine being a child who doesn’t know how to stop yet and thinking you have no control. Once you learn how to use your breaks, this can be one of the best parts about bike riding. But when you’re still learning, it’s hard to see it that way.

Modeling empathy as a parent helps your child learn how to be considerate of others feelings too. So that’s an added bonus!

10. HAVE FUN

The well known outdoor supply store REI suggests that having fun, is the most important step when teaching your kid to ride their bike. I couldn’t agree more.

If you and your child aren’t having fun, what’s the point? If you find yourself dreading those practice runs, maybe you need to take a break and come back to it in a few weeks when everyone is ready. I promise that once your child does figure it out, it will be so much fun for everyone!

What strategies have you used to teach your kid how to ride a bike? We’d love to hear about your experience in the comments below.

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Featured a mom trying to manage anxiety and depression

Living With Anxiety and Depression In Times of Extreme Uncertainty

Featured / Mom Life Counseling, LLC / 13 Comments

My journey as a mom has been like a rollercoaster ride.

I’m happy to say that right now I feel like I’m coming to a smooth part of the ride. The part that’s after the thrill where you can sit back and enjoy the adrenaline high. The part where you don’t want it to end, but you know you’ll have to get off soon.

You might be wondering how this could be possible when we’re in the middle of a pandemic. Our world is filled with so much uncertainty, yet I’m feeling so good.

Back in March, this was definitely not the case. When quarantine started I was feeling ok. My 5-year-old had just broken his arm and needed surgery. We were stuck at home and I was forced to homeschool my kids.

My daily routine of getting up at 6:30, taking the kids to school, coming home to make a nice breakfast, going for a run or to a class at the gym, spending a few hours writing, cleaning up, and doing some laundry had all been thrown out the window.

I wasn’t even going to the grocery store anymore. I’d lost my girls’ nights out and couldn’t’ see my friends at playgroups or PTA meetings.

Despite all of this, I was still surviving and remained optimistic. I was getting my runs in when I could, but they slowly turned into walks.

Taking A Turn For The Worse

At some point, I started to have less energy. I’d drag myself out of bed in the morning, but I immediately couldn’t stop thinking about how good it would feel to go back to bed later that day.

mom struggling with anxiety and depression

I had no interest in playing with my kids. As the weeks went by, I was still going for my walks, but the whole time I was out walking I’d dread having to go back home.

I kept hearing from other moms and parenting experts that I needed to find a routine. They were saying that it would help us get through virtual learning and would help me feel better. I just didn’t have the energy to do it.

Then I started to dread everything. It felt like there’d never be anything to look forward to again. I felt so hopeless. I’m not going to say I lost hope, but I could see how some people in my situation could have.

Even though I had people all around me telling me how much they loved me, I just felt so sad.

Luckily, I had started going to a therapist right before all of this happened. So I had already built a relationship with her.

She had mentioned medication a few times in January when we first met. But I told her it wasn’t something I wanted to try. I’d tried medication before and didn’t like the way it made me feel.

As a good therapist should, she persisted. Finally one day, she pointed out that taking medication would be like giving me training wheels. It could help give me just enough motivation and energy to use the tools we were practicing during therapy.

How One Phone Call Can Mean So Much

Then a good friend called me. She’d noticed that I wasn’t the same and told me about her experience with medication. She told me how much it had helped her and gave me the name of her doctor.

I was able to get in the same week, and was started on an antidepressant right away. After just a few days, I started to have energy again. Then after a few weeks of taking it, I felt like another person.

During my therapy sessions, I started noticing myself falling into negative or anxious thought patterns again. This time my reaction was different though. I noticed when I was doing it and was able to stop myself. It finally dawned on me how that is the whole point of going to counseling!

There’s no magic pill that will solve all your problems. Taking medication was life-changing for me though.

Fighting The Resistance

It’s not easy to share my story with the world. But I know how long I resisted taking medications and how much it ended up helping me once I finally gave it another try. The only regret I have now is that I didn’t try it sooner.

Over the past few days, I’ve been hearing story after story of other moms struggling. I realized that if I let my fear of being vulnerable stop me from sharing, then I may be missing out on helping someone who really needs to hear that they aren’t alone.

 

Moms are struggling now more than ever! Experts agree that coronavirus is taking a larger toll on women, especially moms.

On top of all our regular motherly duties we are juggling virtual learning, keeping our kids’ safe, making sure the masks are always clean, and trying to figure out a way to maintain a socially distant social life.

I don’t know what I would have done without my husband a few months ago. Not only did he remind me that my family needed me, but he took on many of the household tasks I usually did.

I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been if I was working a full-time job on top of everything else.

It may seem like it’s easy for someone like me who is a former therapist to say how much it can help. But I’ve seen so many different counselors over the years, and it wasn’t until a few months ago that I really felt like it was helping.

Moving Forward

Part of that could be that it wasn’t the right fit. Or maybe I wasn’t doing the homework that I needed to really change. But I think this time, the medication really did give me the extra boost that I needed to move forward.

I’m not going to say that I’m completely cured. Medication isn’t the end all be all. There will still be hard days. Especially right now, with a pandemic that isn’t going away anytime soon.

My kids are going to be little for a while and are going to be needy. My free time will be limited and there will be other bumps and turns on the roller coaster along the way. There may even be times where the ride malfunctions and I’ll have to call for back up.

At least now I have this period where I’m feeling good to look back on. If I do start to spiral again, I’ll know that there is hope. I’ll be able to really say to myself this too shall pass and believe it.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for help. Even if you’ve tried getting help before and it didn’t seem to work. Try again!

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The Secret To Raising Little Boys

Featured / Mom Life Counseling, LLC / 9 Comments

What’s the secret to raising little boys?

Well it’s not rocket science. It’s not even really anything that profound.

It may be something you’ve already heard before.

Have you ever felt like you had to ask your child 10 times to brush their teeth before you could leave the house?

If you’re a boy mom, 28 may be a much more realistic number.

Until last week, I thought it was because my kids were annoyed by the sound of my voice and they must have been tuning me out.

I’ve considered whether their ears are super sensitive like dogs. Maybe when I ask them to do something important my voice is a super high frequency like a whistle would sound to a dog?

Or maybe they just like the sound of my voice so much, that they want to hear me say things over and over again?

I recently learned that’s not the case at all.

I heard a parenting talk by David Thomas, author of the books Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys (Tyndale House Publishers) and Are My Kids on Track? The 12 Emotional, Social & Spiritual Milestones Your Child Needs to Reach.

Thomas spoke about the different developmental milestones that children reach at each age. The main point that I took away from it was that 5-8 year old boys are mostly visual learners!

Back To The Basics

I wish I had heard this tip about raising little boys sooner. Even after two years of graduate school and multiple classes on child development, I didn’t realize how differently they learn.

So many meltdowns and power struggles could have been avoided in our house!

I probably did hear this back in Child Development 101. But sometimes you have to live it before it really sinks in.

What really made sense to me was when Thomas pointed out that if your child isn’t doing what you want them to do, it’s really your fault as their parent. It’s your fault because you haven’t set up their environment for success.

It may not seem like it sometimes, but kids actually want to make us happy. They truly want to be good.

So it would make sense that sometimes when they aren’t doing what we want them to, it’s because we have made it too hard for them.

Instead of engaging in power struggles with your kids about why they haven’t done what you asked them to do a hundred times already, make it easy for them to remember.

Boys have a larger part of their brains dedicated to spatial and mechanical functioning than girls do. This is why boys need to be able to visualize things in order to learn them.

Now it makes sense to me why when my husband was starting up his business, he had had little sticky notes all over the wall in our office. Each one had a different task that he wanted to focus on in order to be successful.

Set Them Up For Success

As parents, we can help set our children up for success by using visual cues and reminders around the house.

For example, you could put up a sign with a list of the 3 things your son needs to do in the bathroom before getting ready for school. Make sure to keep it simple.

You could use a small sign that says Flush, Wash, Brush.

A simple list of what steps are needed to get ready in the morning in your child’s bedroom can go a long way! For younger kids, you could use pictures of what the steps are.

Post a schedule near your child’s virtual learning space and make sure it’s visible all day. Here are a few other tips on setting up your child’s virtual learning space.

If you walk through your child’s elementary school, chances are you will see lots of bright and cheery pictures. In their classroom, you’ll probably see lists of expectations and schedules all over the walls.

That’s not just a coincidence!

It also makes sense now why the watch my son got for his 6th birthday was one of his favorite gifts. He didn’t take it off even at night!

It was pretty nice to tell him to check his watch when he asked what time it was every 5 minutes. But now I see why it meant so much to him!

Think Before You Speak

We can use this principle to help us be more proactive.

Instead of always saying things like “stop, no, don’t, quit,” we can show our children what we want them to do. You can easily do this by removing the things from their environments that you don’t want your child doing.

During virtual learning, make sure the only things that are in the learning space are school materials.

The secret to parenting little boys

Of course, this isn’t always realistic or possible to do. But I’m sure you can help by reducing at least some of the distractions.

Following this parenting tip doesn’t mean we shouldn’t set high expectations for our kids. It is a good reminder for why yelling doesn’t get you as far though.

I’m definitely excited to try it and hopefully save my breath a little!

If you enjoyed reading this, I’d love for you to share it with others who you think might need this tip for parenting boys too!

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The Top 10 Tips For Virtual Learning Success

Featured / Mom Life Counseling, LLC / 3 Comments

Inside: 10 virtual learning tips to get prepared and set up your family for success. 

2 months ago, I couldn’t wait for school to start back up.

When it came down to deciding whether or not to send our kids back face to face or to enroll them in virtual learning, I was truly stuck though.

Neither decision felt like a good one. Luckily our school superintendent decided for us.

We live in the largest county in Georgia where classroom sizes are usually at least 20 and there are almost 100 schools. Many families have children at more than one school. Those same students ride the same buses, and some teachers even travel to different schools.

All these things paired with the number of COVID 19 cases in our county being on the rise when school started, led the school board to decide it wasn’t safe for anyone to go back to school face to face yet.

I was a little disappointed at first, because it meant I wouldn’t get my days to myself back.

After being stuck at home with my family for almost 6 months, I definitely could use some alone time. I thrive on having time to focus on the things I want to do.

What mom doesn’t?

But I was also relieved that I didn’t have to be the one to make such a huge decision for our family.

Last week was our first week of virtual learning. Despite some technical issues and boredom from my 1st grader, WE SURVIVED!

I know that this semester and really this year will be a learning process for all of us. In the end, it’s something that will only make us stronger. But I think we’ve learned a few things already that might make virtual learning easier for your family.

10 VIRTUAL LEARNING TIPS

1. SET UP A DESIGNATED WORKSPACE

I definitely waited until the last minute to do this, so if you’re starting to panic, don’t. Our workspace is nothing special, but it’s a room we don’t often use. So it was easy to clear it off and designate it for school.

workspace for virtual learning

We got some basic school supplies like paper, pencils, markers, erasers, folders, glue, and a pencil sharpener. Also, if you don’t have a good pair of headphones for your child, make sure to invest in a pair!

I put everything in a small crate and stackable bins like the ones below. Then I got a simple bookshelf to organize everything and make it easy to put it all away at the end of the day.

                                              

 

2. LOG ON EARLY

This might seem obvious, but we had to learn it the hard way. Even though you’ll be at home and won’t have to worry about finding everyone’s shoes, it will still take you some time to get ready in the morning.

I don’t know if it’s just my kids who aren’t morning people.

Or maybe my 6-year-old is the only one that needs 5 reminders to brush his teeth. But you won’t be saving that much time by doing school at home instead of in person.

Our schools are using Microsoft Teams. After a few days, I learned how easy it is to create your own meeting instead of joining the meeting your teacher started. If you log on before she starts the meeting, you’ll see a meeting request pop up on your screen though. So being early definitely helps in this case.

Plus if you have issues logging on and try to email the teacher once the class has already started, she may not see your email if she’s already focused on teaching the lesson.

Being online early will help you get your day started out with fewer frustrations due to technical issues.

3. MINIMIZE DISTRACTIONS

Having a designated workspace is the first step in helping to minimize distractions for your students. We try not to have any toys on the table when school is going on. If I sit next to my 6-year-old doing something he’s interested in, it’s distracting to him.

My 8-year-old doesn’t want my help and tells me he’s got it, but my 6-year-old wants me next to him all day.

So I’ve been sitting next to my 6-year-old with my computer. When he asks me what I’m doing, I let him know that I have work to do too. I have a little alarm clock next to his work station that tells him the time and his daily schedule.

4. TURN OFF OTHER DEVICES

Unless you have a crazy amount of Wifi, having more than one person doing a conference call at once will more than likely cause some connection issues. I realized a few months ago that when I’m zooming it helps to turn off all the devices we aren’t actually using.

You can just turn off the wifi on your phone if you aren’t using it, but I also turn off all the ipads in the house. I put my smart watch on airplane mode and I also turn off all the smart TVs in the house. It’s crazy how many things in our house rely on wifi!

5. TAKE SCREEN-FREE BREAKS

Anytime my kids have a break in their schedule, we try to do things that don’t involve a screen.

mom helping child take a break from virtual learning

My 1st grader’s teacher told the class that they need to do something screen-free during their lunch and recess break. She also told them to read for 9 minutes before they can have screen time after school. This week, they have to read 20 minutes every day as their homework.

6. SEPERATE SIBLINGS

We started out with both kids in the dining room. Since my younger son does everything his older brother does, I thought he would get more work done if he was in the same room.

After the first day, we realized that wasn’t the case. My younger son didn’t like wearing the headphones all day and my older son figured out that his teacher couldn’t hear him speak when they were plugged in.

That’s all part of the process though, learning and adapting as you go!

We moved my younger son to the kitchen table so that they could both unplug their headphones if they wanted to. Having all of the school supplies in a small bin has made clean up at the end of the day easy.

7. BE PATIENT

Patience is not always easy, but again, we have to remember that this process is new for everyone! Especially our kids and their teachers.

Yesterday my son cried because he didn’t want to log onto school. His cousins are in town visiting and he said that school ruined his vacation.

We reminded him that he had an extra-long vacation this year and that it was time to go back to school.

I gave him permission to cry for 5 minutes. When the 5 minutes were up, I told him he had to stop and log onto school.

His school counselor taught us this little trick last year when he was having a hard time adjusting to school starting back after the Winter Break. Surprisingly, he doesn’t usually need the whole 5 minutes to cry. But if he did, he would have that time to get it all out.

8. GIVE YOURSELF GRACE

Remember that you aren’t the only one trying to figure out how to help your child with virtual learning.

Not only is it hard on the teacher, but every other student is trying to learn how to navigate something that is totally foreign to them. So far, our teachers have been very patient, and I think they want parents to know it’s ok to not have it all figured out yet.

Sometimes, it might feel like you’re failing, but I promise, you’re doing it right momma!

Child doing virtual learning

9. STAY POSITIVE

We may not realize it, but our kids take cues from our attitudes. Try to stay positive and remind them that it’s ok if they don’t have all the answers.

My kids also do really well with positive reinforcement. We use rewards often, but if you don’t find this helpful, that’s ok.

I know that having time to play video games is worth everything to my kids. So before the first day of school, I told them that they couldn’t have screen time after school if they complained.

It worked really well the first day. The next day was a little harder and I realized I had to give them some time to adjust. But after this week, I’m going to be consistent about this rule!

10. DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP

I know all moms struggle with asking for help, but we need it now more than ever!

Find a community. We’re all relying on social media right now to connect with other moms. It’s definitely not the same as meeting in person with your friends, but it still can help you feel less isolated.

If there isn’t already a Facebook group for moms in your neighborhood, start one. Or you can even start another one that focuses only on struggles moms of school-aged kids have.

We have one in our neighborhood called surviving the pandemic with kids. We share tips about virtual learning, but also other challenges that have come up this year!

It takes a village! 

Some parents don’t have a choice but to work. If this is you, you will more than likely need to figure out a plan for getting help before you even get started!

I can’t even imagine how hard it will be for you to juggle your job, keeping your house in one piece, and now having to help your child with virtual learning.

Just remember that any help you can give them is better than nothing. Make sure to communicate any struggles that come up with your child’s teacher.

Communicate with the school administration and the school board. If they don’t hear from you, they won’t know what your struggles are.

What other virtual learning tips do you have for parents who might be struggling with the same issues as you? Make sure to share them in the comments!

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The Grass Is Always Greener For Moms

Featured / Mom Life Counseling, LLC / 8 Comments

Has anyone been watching the Canadian tv series Workin’ Moms on Netflix? I first heard about it a few months ago when some of my friends recommended it.

At that point, I had kind of written it off since I wasn’t technically a “working mom.” I worried I wouldn’t be able to relate, and to be honest, kind of brushed it off as rude that they had their own tv show. Those working moms….

But since we’ve had more time at home lately, I’ve found myself binge-watching a lot of tv shows. Sometimes late at night (or in the wee hours of the morning) when I can’t sleep, I surprisingly get some time to watch tv shows that I know my husband will have no interest in.

As I’m sitting here now writing this, it’s, 5 a.m. and I’m doing just that. I’m noticing that the working moms’ club is definitely not exclusive to only moms who work 9-5 jobs outside of the home. In fact, it was never meant to be that way.

How so, you say? Well, because EVERY mom works.

Some may work part-time, some overtime, some even work multiple jobs. But most of us moms never really stop working! Especially if our kids are still little and really as long as they’re still living at home.

Once they go to college the work doesn’t actually stop. It just becomes “work” around trying to get our grown children to cut the apron strings. The focus of parenting changes to teaching them to support themselves without us physically being there every day.

Our Current Situation

With most schools deciding to go virtual in the Fall, the workload is suddenly feeling like it’s going to be even BIGGER for all of us. Parents are having to make really hard family decisions.

A mom struggling to work and spend time with her kid

Questions moms are thinking about right now:

  • How do I keep our family safe while still being able to provide for their needs?
  • Who will make sure my kids are where they need to be academically if they haven’t seen a teacher face to face in months?
  • Am I qualified to be my child’s teacher on top of everything else I already do?
  • Do I have the time, energy, and patience to teach them?
  • How will I get my “real” job done and make sure they’re still learning?
  • How can I possibly keep my sanity any longer?
  • What will all of this cost?
  • How long is it going to last? How long can we live like this?
  • Will people think I’m selfish if I prioritize what I want instead of what my kids need?
  • Is the risk of sending my kids back to school in person worth it?
  • Should we uproot our whole family and move somewhere else?

Some moms don’t even get to decide anything. The choices have already been made for them! Luckily I have a partner in all of this, but some moms don’t. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that is for them!

For me, the question is whether or not it’s a good time for me to go back to work.

Outside of a few part-time jobs, I’ve been a stay-at-home-mom for the past 5 years. It feels like I’m being forced to decide if going back to work right now is more important than the safety of my kids.

Then I start to think about not only my family’s physical needs, but also how much they need to be with their friends and how we all need a break from each other. What ends up happening for me, is I just get overwhelmed with all of the unknowns and what-ifs. I usually just put the decisions off and hope they’ll be easier later.

As I listen to other friends of mine trying to navigate making these difficult decisions for their own families, I’m reminded that the grass is always greener.

No matter what your situation is in parenting, there’s always going to be someone else’s life that seems better. It’s so easy from the outside to think others have it easier than we do, but in reality, we all have struggles. We all just carry them differently.

Moms who are jealous of each other

What we choose to share with others isn’t always the real picture. So, I think we as moms have to stick together. I’m sure I’ve said this before, but I’ll keep saying it… It takes a village!

Here are a few ways that we can help each other wade through these waters together.

I’m sure you can think of other ways to help the moms in your own life. I’d love for you to share your ideas in the comments!

6 TIPS TO HELP MOMS MAKE BIG DECISIONS

1. THINK ABOUT YOUR VALUES

What’s most important to you and your family? Make that your priority.

Take a break from social media so you can quiet all of other peoples’ opinions and focus on what really matters to YOUR family.

2. REACH OUT FOR SUPPORT

Whatever your situation is, you are not alone.

Some days it may feel like you’re the only one struggling with something, but I guarantee someone out there is feeling the same way. You just have to look for them!

3. GIVE YOURSELF GRACE

We won’t know all the answers right away and we may never know ALL the answers. Give yourself some grace to make mistakes and just try to put one step in front of the other.

Take it one day at a time right now. We don’t really know for sure what tomorrow’s going to look like anyway. So I suggest making decisions about the future based on how things look right now.

4. STOP JUDGING OTHERS

A friend of mine recently told me about how several years ago her daughter wanted to go further in gymnastics. She couldn’t though because the only thing offered at her gym was practice every day from 4:30-5:30.

And when she asked how working moms did it, she was met with an awkward glare. I think she described the other person as saying something like, “Oh you’re one of those.” Or maybe she just interpreted it that way.

A mom being hypocritical and judging another mom

The point is, every mom’s situation is different and we all are doing the best we can.

Aren’t we supposed to be on the same team anyway? So don’t judge other moms for the decisions they make for their families.

Chances are when you start focusing on yourself, making your own decisions will be a lot easier.

5. DON’T BE TOO SENSITIVE

This may sound like a contradiction, but what I mean is don’t take everything personally. Sometimes what may feel like someone judging your ability to be a mom, isn’t.

It may be your own insecurity. The person you’re feeling that from may even be projecting how they feel like a bad mom on you because they wish they could be more like you!

6. LEAN IN TO HELP

Don’t be afraid to ask for help! You may have never actually taken your next-door neighbor up on their offer to help watch your kids. Now is the time to do it. One day you can return the favor somehow.

Or hire help if you can. It’s ok to pay someone to come clean your house once a month if that will help make your to-do list a little shorter on the weekends.

Do what works for YOU! I’m not pretending to be an expert, but I do want moms to know that they aren’t alone. We have to stick together!

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Raising Anti-Racist Kids- 7 Things Moms Can Do

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I’m a mom and I’m committing myself to raising anti-racist kids. This comes from not only the way my parents raised me, but also my own personal desire for all of God’s creation to feel as if they are equals.

Here’s my story and what led to my passion for this cause:

Growing up in a small town in the South, I remember racism being prevalent. But I don’t ever remember considering myself to be a racist.

My parents were very liberal and my dad was actively involved in campaigning for the teachers’ union in our county. We attended church every Sunday and Christianity was instilled in me at a young age. I was taught to love everyone and to be accepting of all people no matter who they are, what they look like, or what they do.

My parents wanted to help others and they modeled this for my brothers and I. They opened their home to everyone and were often giving their time and money to people who were less fortunate than us.

In fact, we typically had friends spending the night for days (and sometimes even years) at a time because they would rather be at our house than go home.

I remember my mom would ask how many people would be eating dinner with us that night because she knew the chances of having extra mouths to feed was likely.

At least once a week she would say, ‘Yes they can stay for dinner, but I just need to know how many!”

I don’t ever remember race having anything to do with how my family treated people. We were friendly and kind to everyone.

My first major crush in high school was Black. When he started actually pursuing me, I remember not even really giving him a chance because I was scared. Looking back now I realize that I was afraid of what people would think if I dated him. I wasn’t willing to follow my heart and engage in a bi-racial relationship.

Celebrating Black History

Understanding White Privilege

When I went to college I decided to major in psychology, because I knew I wanted to help people. So I became a mental health counselor. The required multicultural awareness classes I took in school forced me to begin looking at some of my personal biases.

I still didn’t think I was racist though.  Because to me, racism meant hatred, and I never could truly hate anyone. I thought that if in my heart I knew everyone should be treated equally and I tried my best to do that, it would mean I’m not racist.

When I hear friends making racial comments or jokes, I don’t tell them it’s wrong. I don’t defriend those people. I don’t use my privilege as a White American woman to stand up for those who haven’t been able to for so many years.

When I watched the video of Ahmaud Arbory being shot by two White men in my own state, I was sickened and heartbroken. The lack of justice served to the men who killed him very brutally reminded me that racism still exists and is a major problem. It was like a slap in the face.

Since then I have been paying attention to the news stories that have been shared about all of the injustice people of color face on a daily basis in our country.

The stories about Breonna Taylor, and countless others that we don’t even know about because they haven’t been blasted on the news and social media.

I see them through a different lens now. I won’t pretend to truly understand, but I am pledging to stand with the Black Lives Matter movement because I truly believe in it.

HOW CAN WHITE PEOPLE HELP?

Ernest Williams, a 27-year-old Black journalist was recently quoted in an interview with The New York Times saying:

“While many have good intentions, true allyship — supporting Black businesses, deeply exploring personal bias and ferreting out ways that White privilege contributes to persistent racism — must happen in order to genuinely stand in solidarity with the marginalized and oppressed.”

But how can we do that, you might ask? What does that even mean as a mom? How can I raise anti-racist kids and help reverse systemic racism for the generations of our future?

I’m no expert, but I’ve learned a few things that aren’t that hard to implement. Some of them may feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you do them the more you’ll realize pushing through that discomfort is worth it.

7 Things Moms Can Do To Raise Anti-Racist Kids

1. EDUCATE YOURSELF ABOUT AMERICAN HISTORY

Every American with an education knows that Blacks were once slaves in our country. But do you know all of the details? Did you even pay attention in American History class?

Or did you push that part out of your mind like I did, because the thought of it made you feel uncomfortable? Besides slavery was abolished years ago and Black people were given the right to vote right? So what do we even need to fight about anymore?

Let us not forget that the White leaders of our country sailed to Africa in the 1600s and brought Black people here against their will to be slaves. They took away their names, took away their rights, and took away their culture. They beat them and treated them as if they were animals.

Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation in 1863 which freed slaves from their owners, and the 13th Amendment passed in 1865 abolishing slavery.

Even still, Blacks were not given equal rights- like the right to vote, until the Civil Rights act was passed in 1964.

That was 100 years later!!

This only scratches the surface of the history of inequality and injustice that Black people have faced. Do your own research and educate yourself on the facts. Try to really understand where the built-up anger that the Black community is expressing is coming from.

2. LISTEN

Listen to what Black people are saying. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Listen to Black people’s stories and experiences of racism. Let them speak without interrupting.

Please don’t say, “But don’t all lives matter?”

Because right now we’re talking about the racism leading to George Floyd being murdered when it wasn’t necessary. We need to listen to Black people speak about how they have been racially profiled their entire life.

Even if you don’t agree that their experience was about race, it doesn’t matter. YOU are not the one who lived it and if to them it felt that they were treated differently because of their race, THAT’S what is important.

That’s the whole point.

3. HONESTLY CONFRONT YOUR OWN BIASES

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I’ve learned a lot already just by listening to other peoples’ stories and experiences with racism. By engaging in those conversations, I’m becoming more aware of my role.

I’m remembering times in my own life where I used race to form opinions or act on my feelings without even realizing it. Like the times I saw a Black man walking behind me and sped up because I was scared. Even though that man didn’t do anything wrong.

I’m admitting to myself that I was the one who was wrong. Once you open your eyes, these prejudices are all around you.

Chances are, I may make mistakes again. I won’t pretend to be an expert on this subject, because I’m only recently owning my part.  What I am doing is committing myself to the cause.

I just downloaded White Fragility, Why It’s So Hard For White People To Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo. I’m challenging myself to read it and confront my discomfort about the topic of racism.

We consider a challenge to our racial worldview as a challenge to our very identities as good, moral people.

Robin DiAngelo in “White Fragility“

“How To Be An AntiRacist“ by Iram X. Kendi is another book I’m planning to read.

4. ADVOCATE

I’m committing to stand up for others who are treated unfairly. I’m not going to be silent anymore when someone makes a racial comment that offends me. Even though I might feel uncomfortable, I’m not going to let that stop me.

Webster’s dictionary defines an advocate as someone who pleads or supports the cause of another. If you want to be a true advocate, you have to support the cause you’re advocating not only with your words but with your actions.

5. SUPPORT BLACK OWNED BUSINESSES

I haven’t been supporting Black-owned businesses as much as I could be. If I’m being honest, I might even have avoided these businesses at times for fear of feeling out of place.

Now that I’m aware, I can make a conscious effort to change this.

6. EDUCATE YOUR CHILDREN

You may think that kids don’t see color and I believe that to be true. I actually tested my own 5 and 8-year-olds to see if they noticed there was a difference in people’s skin color and they didn’t.

Not long after George Floyd was killed, my 8-year-old overheard my Black sister-in-law crying when my mom was talking to her about it. He didn’t understand why she was so upset.

I explained to him what happened in age-appropriate terms. It would have been easier to say nothing happened and tell him not to worry about it, but I want him to know what his cousins are potentially facing. I want him to feel confident as a child to stand up to racism so that he always will.

Then, we watched our public library’s virtual storytime. The special guest was Stacey Abrams, a Black voting rights activist. She read the books Lillian’s Right To Vote, by Jonah Winter and A Is For Activist, by Innosanto Nagara.

                  

I wasn’t really prepared for the difficult questions my kids asked afterward. They didn’t understand why Black people were ever not allowed to vote. They also didn’t understand how people could treat someone differently because of the color of their skin.

I did my best to answer their questions and we talked about how not everyone loves others unconditionally like we do. I may have stumbled through it, but they still learned about the history of our country.

Books can be a great way to help you navigate difficult conversations with children. I highly recommend the two mentioned above. There are many others out there!

7. DON’T STOP

This is only the beginning. I know this list is not all-inclusive.

We will learn as we go that there is more work to be done. But I’m publicly proclaiming my commitment to being a part of the solution, and no longer a part of the problem in the fight against racism.

I don’t want to be silent anymore.

Will you join me? If so, help us spread the word by sharing this post on social media!

Related Post

How To Be Antiracist As A Mom: Part 2

text 7 things moms can do to raise anti-racist kids + chalk drawing of blog with stick figures holding hands around it

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Unusual Pomp and Circumstance

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Last Friday was my kids’ last official day of school. Surprisingly they weren’t as excited for that day to come as I expected. I thought they’d be thrilled to be done with homeschooling with their least favorite teacher. But to them it felt like any other day.

Maybe that was because the days are all blurring together now and they really didn’t know what day it was.

We were blessed by a family whose business sponsored an ice cream truck in our neighborhood to celebrate the last day of school. A few days before their teachers had hosted end of the year “parties on zoom.” But it just wasn’t the same.

That night at dinner I asked my 5-year-old if he was excited that he finished Kindergarten and was moving up to 1st grade. His response kind of threw me for a loop.

“But I didn’t finish Kindergarten!” he said. 

That’s when I realized that he was seeing everything from a totally different perspective. Through his eyes, school stopped abruptly two months ago and he never went back.

He didn’t get to have a Kindergarten graduation where his name would have been called so that he could walk across the cafeteria stage to get his diploma. There was no party with his classmates or watching movies and eating sugary treats during the last week of school.

school bus

I know that graduating from Kindergarten isn’t as big of a deal as graduating from high school. He didn’t miss his Senior prom or his Senior Skip Day. Luckily for him, there will be plenty more years of school to see his friends again. There will be time to make memories and participate in all the traditions.

Our kids may be resilient and forget all about the year they were stuck at home for months at a time without even being able to see their grandparents or friends. They may even be enjoying the extra time they’re getting at home with their family. They might not mind the lack of structure, and that they’re getting to stay up late every night.

But they are still feeling the effects of all the birthday parties and vacations that have been cancelled. They still might be sad that they didn’t get to hug their teachers goodbye on the last day of school.

Even though it might not be the same, they are still finishing their school year and moving on to the next. So make sure to let your child know how proud you are of them.

celebrating the end of school with water balloons

HOW TO CELEBRATE THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL:

  • Have an ice cream sunday bar.
  • Throw a dance party.
  • Let your child pick out a new outside water toy for the Summer.
  • Have chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast.
  • Watch a movie together as a family and let your child pick the movie.
  • Take a special picture on your front porch (even if you forgot to do it on the last day of school and have to take it a week later.)
  • Have a water balloon fight.

You don’t have to organize a 50 car parade of friends and family, but you can still make their end of the school year feel special. Get creative!

This article from Psychology Today has more ideas on how to help your child deal with disappointment. Share in the comments your ideas!

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HOW TO CELEBRATE THE END OF SCHOOL DURING QUARANTINE

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Donuts For Lunch

Featured / Mom Life Counseling, LLC / 3 Comments

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog about how to limit screen time. Ironically after hitting publish, I immediately felt guilty. I didn’t even want to share the post on social media.

I felt like such a hypocrite!

Who was I to tell people how to limit their child’s screen time when I couldn’t even enforce those boundaries myself? I had the best intentions. But somehow I had lost all motivation to be creative with my kids. I lost the energy to put up a fight when they pushed back.

Somehow my kids had gone from getting a few hours of screen time a day to me letting them pretty much have as much as they wanted.

I felt like the world’s worst mom.

Why Moms Need Self-Compassion

Don’t get me wrong. I knew that it was ok to bend the rules right now. We’re all stuck at home and we can’t see our friends. But the amount of screen time my kids were getting was making me feel sick.

On top of that, when I was able to gather enough energy to make my kids turn off their devices they didn’t understand why. My 8-year-old started talking back. Taking away all the limits made them think they were completely in control.

But since we’ve been dealing with this pandemic, I’ve been trying really hard to give myself self-compassion.

That means forgiving myself. It means letting go of all the mom guilt. It means not holding myself to a higher standard than I would hold others.

If one of my mom friends called me and told me how horrible she was feeling about letting her kids have too much screen time while we’re in the middle of quarantine, I would tell her not to. I would tell her all the reasons she shouldn’t feel guilty and remind her that she’s doing the best she can.

WHAT IS SELF-COMPASSION?

Self-compassion is defined as extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. It’s being kind to yourself and understanding that we’re all human and we make mistakes. No one is perfect and super mom doesn’t exist.

There will be days when I don’t get to the dishes until 10:00 at night and the breakfast crumbs will still be on the table.

It’s ok if we don’t get through all of the assigned school work every day. That won’t make me any less of a mom.

Sometimes we all just need a break. We need time to work through all the mixed up emotions we’re dealing with. We need time to ride out the storm. If letting our kids watch tv or play video games for 4 hours is the only way we can get through the day, it will be ok.

It’s ok if we eat breakfast at 10 am, have donuts for lunch, and pizza for dinner. We might even top it off with ice cream for dessert.

Because it’s not always going to be this way.

And tomorrow’s a new day. Just because 1 or 2, or even 4 or 5 days go by where my kids have what feels like way too much screen time, that doesn’t mean we can’t get out and do something awesome the next day. If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I’m doing tons of fun stuff with them too.

There’s always tomorrow to go for a hike or a walk around the block. We can try the Pinterest craft or Youtube drawing tutorial another day. We always have the weekend to try a new recipe or play a never ending game of Monopoly.

What would giving yourself more self-compassion look like for you? I’d love for you to share in the comments.

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4 Quick Tips For Limiting Screen Time

Featured / Mom Life Counseling, LLC / 4 Comments

I’m not going to lie, my kids have had more tech time lately than I’d care to admit right now. But they’re stuck at home for an indefinite amount of time with little breaks to get out of the house.

My 5-year-old has a broken arm and a cast up to his elbow, so we’re limited on what we can do. On top of that, we live on a busy street and our front yard is really steep. Our backyard is non-existent because our house is next to a creek. Plus we decided a few months ago to redo our back deck, and unfortunately it’s currently in pieces.

Eventually we’ll have a brand new back deck and hopefully will be able to enjoy the outside a little more. But for now, I’m trying to be creative and finding activities to do outside like chalk obstacle courses, animal charades, jump the river, shadow drawings, and basically whatever you can do on a giant grassy slope.

Playing Jump The River

Get two long sticks or pieces of rope. Put them about a foot apart and see who can jump across. Move the rope or sticks back a little further apart and try again. The person who can make the longest jump wins!

Shadow Drawings

Shadow Drawings

We’re lucky to live in a neighborhood with lots of trails and a beautiful lake, but everyone else has had the idea to use them too and that can make social distancing hard.

Despite my best efforts, there have been plenty of days over the past few weeks where we haven’t even gotten outside. I’m ok with my kids getting more screen time than usual right now, but some days I just want them to play.

As a former play therapist, I know the importance of play. I know that kids need to use their creative minds. I also know that play is their language when they don’t have the words to say what they want to. So I’m trying to encourage play as much as possible.

I will be the last to judge you if you let your kids have tech time all day, but sometimes I feel like my kids need a break from it.

If you need help getting your kids off their screens, I have a few tips that might help.

4 TIPS FOR LIMITING SCREEN TIME

4 TIPS FOR LIMITING SCREEN TIME

SET LIMITS

My kids get up around 7 am most mornings. I’m not a morning person at all. So they’re allowed to play video games or watch tv until I get up, but at 9 am they know they have to turn them off.

I’ve also made the rule that they can’t play video games during the week until they finish their school work. And then I try to limit their tech time to 1 hour. They usually get to watch tv at night before bed too.

2. GIVE THEM A WARNING

I try to give my kids a warning 5 minutes before their time is going to be up so there won’t be any surprises. That way they can finish up their game too.

3. BE CONSISTENT

I’m definitely not always consistent, but I try the best I can. If your child knows that when you say something you mean it, they are less likely to try to talk you out of it when you enforce a limit.

4. GET THEM STARTED

Sometimes if I have an activity planned like chalk painting outside. Once I get them outside they come up with other fun things to do on their own.

Here’s a super easy way to make chalk paint!

  • Put a few tablespoons of cornstarch in a bowl.
  • Add a few tablespoons of water.
  • Add food coloring.
  • Mix it up!

Chalk Painting

Chalk Painting

For more ideas check out Days With Gray. Beth has tons of fun activities to do with kids and her Breakfast Invitations make setting your kids up to play without screens easy to do.

What fun activities are you doing with your kids?

If you enjoyed reading this, be sure to share it with your friends!

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10 Things I’m Doing When Social Distancing Is Over

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I’ve been trying to stay positive and reminding myself that one day our lives will be back to normal. 

I started a Gratitude Challenge on my Facebook page. Every day I’m writing 3 things I’m grateful for right now. A few of the things I’ve shared so far have been:

1. That my husband can work from home. Although I’m not sure he’s loving it as much as I do.

2. That he’s home for dinner every night and we can eat together as a family.

3. Playing board games together, even if my 5 year old is a dirty cheater.

4. That my husband has been grilling more, hence me not having to cook as much.

5. Going on family walks together in our neighborhood.

6. Living close enough to the Chattahoochee River that we can walk, bike or run there.

7. That I bought a bike a few years ago and finally dusted it off to ride it.

8. Amazon has toilet paper now, even if it will take a week to get here.

9. Not getting hurt when I crashed on my bike today.

10. The beautiful weather we’re having in Georgia.

It’s also been really cool to see all the things my friends have shared about what they’re grateful for.

Eventually we will be able to get out of the house without worrying about getting sick.

Have you ever had a free day as a mom and spent the whole time thinking about what you were going to do? Or even worse, did you waste the few hours you had catching up on laundry or cleaning your house?

I’m not going to let that happen when we finally can get out of the house!

So I’m working on my list of what I’ll do with all of my freedom.

10 Things I'm Doing When Social Distancing Is Over 2

These Are The 10 Things I Miss The Most:

  • Eating dinner in a restaurant
  • Sitting in a coffee shop
  • Walking through the mall
  • Going to the movies
  • Getting hugs from friends and their littles
  • Weekly play dates with friends
  • Pedicures at the nail salon
  • Workout classes at the gym- especially yoga
  • Sending the kids to their grandma’s house for a long weekend
  • Going to the beach

I’m also planning a weekend away with my girlfriends to do some of these things. Hopefully that will happen sooner than 2021.

What’s on your list? I’m going to keep adding to mine.

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